Broken Open
by SVUgirlie
Summary: CHAPTER THIRTEEN UP! [Set after Rapist Anonymous. Amanda's night of drinking and gambling takes a turn for the worst and Olivia is the only one who can really understand.] Warning: mentions of rape throughout (not in every chapter ). This will be an Olivia/Amanda and Amanda/Fin friendship story.
1. Chapter 1

_This is my first SVU story I'm sorry if I get a bit muddled because English isn't my first language. There are mentions of rape further on in the story but each chapter will have it's own individual warnings. Thanks for reading!_

* * *

Throughout her many years on the job, Olivia had learned to wake up as soon as her phone rang or vibrated. Squinting in the darkness at the too-bright screen she frowned as she recognised the vaguely familiar number. It was the ER at… Bellevue. She wasn't on call tonight and a brief wave of panic flashed over her as she wondered why the ER would be calling her at 2 in the morning.

"Detective Benson," she said softly, not wanting to wake Brian, who was still sleeping soundly beside her.

As the woman on the phone explained the reason for the call, Olivia found herself automatically getting up and she began to get dressed as the conversation continued.

"Yeah I'll be there," Olivia confirmed, pulling on yesterday's pants because they were the closest thing to hand.

"Livia?" Brian said sleepily as he was finally roused from his slumber, "where ya goin'?"

"Caught a case," Olivia replied quickly, though not strictly a lie, she knew better than to tell him the truth. She figured she'd been called for a reason, "Go back to sleep," she said, leaning down to give him a kiss.

* * *

Arriving at the ER Olivia walked straight to the admit desk and waited impatiently while the clerk finished her phone call. Flashing her badge as soon as the woman was finished Olivia got down to business.

"Detective Benson, I got a phone call about a half hour ago?"

"Uh yes," the clerk replied, "Um Tina," she called, waving at an older heavyset woman down the hall, "This is a Detective Benson, for the girl in 3,"

"Thanks," Olivia said as the nurse beckoned her over. "What happened?" she asked, as she followed the woman down the hall.

"She hasn't admitted it, but it looks very much like a rape," the nurse sighed sadly, and Olivia felt her heart drop. "A couple about to do the nasty found her passed out in an alleyway and called an ambulance, she's conscious now but she's liquored up and very agitated,"

"Have you done a rape kit?" Olivia asked tentatively, to which the nurse shook her head.

"She's refusing all treatment, the only reason she allowed us to call someone was because we can't release her unless somebody goes home with her,"

"Okay," Olivia said, trying to take in all the information. She knew that she would be fighting an uphill battle, "she in here?" Olivia asked as they came to a stop outside a small room.

"Yeah, I'd watch it though she's volatile," the nurse warned.

"Thanks," Olivia replied softly, before she pushed open the door to the room.

"Go away, I don't want anyone in here," came a shaky, hoarse voice from behind a curtain.

"Amanda," Olivia called quietly, but she got no answer. She drew back the curtain slowly and bit her lip in an attempt to stifle the gasp that tried to escape her lips. Olivia had seen hundreds of victims, some beat up a little, some severely, but it never prepared her for when it was someone she knew. Amanda was sat with her head bowed on the edge of the bed, clutching her torn leather jacket closed around her chest. Olivia instinctively knew from Amanda's demeanour, from the bruises on her arms that the nurse had been right.

"Amanda," she tried again, softer this time in an attempt to engage the blonde in a conversation.

"What?"

The monosyllabic reply was cold, but it didn't deter Olivia. Not wanting to stand over Amanda and appear domineering she perched on the bed next to her.

"What happened?" she asked.

"Nothing, nothing happened, I got drunk, I fell and hit my head and they won't let me leave unless someone takes me home." Amanda said, stumbling over her words a couple of times.

Olivia was sure that the only part of that explanation that was true was the fact Amanda was drunk, not that that mattered in the least. Amanda had obviously been assaulted, and like a lot of victims was denying that anything had happened.

"So those bruises on your arms, did you get those when you fell?" Olivia asked, hoping the question would trip Amanda up and let her in.

"Don't talk to me like that Olivia, don't use your victim tactics on me, I didn't call you for your sympathy I called so you could take me home," Amanda replied viciously, her head tipping up slightly so the curtain of hair that had been shielding her face fell back and exposed her bruised cheek.

"Well I'm not your favourite person right now," Olivia said, recalling the remark Amanda had made to her just hours earlier, why not call Fin?" the brunette cringed, it had come out a little harsher than she'd intended it to but she knew she had to get through to Amanda somehow.

She saw Amanda visibly flinch at the sound of Fin's name, of course she wouldn't want the guys to see her like this. Amanda just shook her head, and pulled her jacket a little tighter around herself.

"You know what I think?" Olivia started, "I think someone hurt you and I think you had them call me because I _get_ it,"

Amanda shook her head again violently and stiffly got up off the bed, "if you're not going to help me get out of here I'll just get a cab," she seethed, making her way to the door. Olivia moved quickly, and she was able to get to the door before Amanda could, and she stood in front of it, effectively blocking the blonde's exit from the room.

"I _am_ trying to help you Amanda and if I let you walk out of here now I'm not doing my job, as a detective or as your friend." Olivia couldn't help but be a little shocked as her use of the word 'friend', she hadn't realised up until seeing the usually confident Amanda Rollins in so much distress how much she actually cared for her.

"I'm not your friend," Amanda said, swaying on her feet slightly. Olivia put her arms out to steady her but Amanda flinched away, "I was a complete bitch to you today, and to the guys, don't pretend you care now,"

"So you had a crap day and took it out on us, I'll live," Olivia reassured her. She noticed with concern how unsteady Amanda was on her feet, "why don't you sit back down for a minute okay?"

Olivia only got another head shake in reply, "I'm fine,"

"You're not," replied the brunette matter-of-factly, "I've been doing this a long time Amanda, you can't fool me,"

"Nothing. Happened," Amanda insisted and for the first time that evening she briefly made eye contact with Olivia. It was only a few seconds but it was long enough for Olivia to notice the fear in Amanda's eyes.

"''Manda what are you afraid of?" Olivia asked tenderly, and she could immediately tell that it struck a chord with Amanda because the other woman started visibly shaking.

"It's okay, you can tell me," she encouraged softly and it broke Olivia's heart to see Amanda slowly unravelling in front of her.

"I… I," Amanda started, then paused, unsure of herself. Olivia noticed Amanda bite her lip as she tried to blink back the tears that were already beginning to wet her cheeks.

"I was drunk," Amanda whispered, so quietly that Olivia almost didn't hear her.

"That doesn't matter," Olivia was quick to reassure her.

"I – uh… I f-flirted with him. All night," Amanda admitted tearfully and Olivia finally got it. Amanda was so afraid because she thought that no one would believe her. And as an SVU detective she knew how hard the defense came down on victims who had been drinking or were seen to be previously friendly with their alleged attackers.

"That doesn't matter," Olivia repeated, "That doesn't give someone the right to-" Olivia cut herself off. She didn't want to put words in Amanda's mouth. She had to tell her own story.

"He bought me drinks," Amanda continued, "God I'm so stupid," she exclaimed, kicking the metal frame of the bed in frustration.

"What happened Amanda?" Olivia asked gently.

"He pushed me up against the- the wall, but I was too w-wasted to fight him off me," defeated, Amanda sat back down on the edge of the bed, wincing at the pain the action caused her.

Olivia hesitated before asking her next question, it always felt like she was doubting a person, "Did you say no?"

"Yes," came Amanda's shaky reply.

"Honey you need to report this," Olivia said, though she already knew Amanda's probable response to that.

"No."

"Amanda you're an SVU detective you know how important it is that people report assaults," Olivia tried to reason with her but Amanda just shook her head again.

"And I've _seen _how humiliating it is for those people up on the witness stand while the defence splashes their entire lives around a courtroom. I can't do it Olivia. I can't," Amanda was getting more and more worked up as she spoke, and tears were now running freely down her cheeks.

"Alright, it's okay, calm down," Olivia soothed, "Let not talk about this right now okay?" she said, worrying that she had pushed Amanda too far.

"Why don't we get a doctor in to check you over? The nurse said you refused treatment when they brought you in," Olivia suggested, "The cut on your cheek looks like it might need stitches," she explained, when a look of terror overcame Amanda at her suggestion.

Amanda brought her hand up to her left cheek, and look surprised when it came away bloody, as if she hadn't realised she even had a cut there.

"O-okay," she agreed, her voice shaky. "I don't consent to a rape kit," she said firmly.

"'Manda-"

"I don't want anyone touching me I don't want it, I can't. You _don't_ have my consent" she repeated, and from the look in Amanda's eyes Olivia could tell she was being serious.

Olivia sighed, "okay," she finally agreed. At least she'd made the first steps in convincing Amanda to see a doctor. She hoped that when the blonde had sobered up a little she would be more willing to listen to reason but Olivia knew how hard it was to have someone poke and prod you after you had been violated. It had been hard for her and both times it had never gone as far as what had happened to Amanda tonight.

"I'm going to get a doctor," Olivia said, before quietly slipping out of the room.


	2. Chapter 2

_Here is chapter 2! Thank you so much for the reviews on the last chapter, I appreciated them a lot! Please let me know what you think of this chapter :)_

* * *

After Amanda's reluctant agreement to see a doctor, Olivia had managed to locate one pretty quickly. The blonde detective had been wheeled past her twice, on the way to and from x ray and both times had ignored Olivia's presence. Now Olivia was sitting in the corridor outside Amanda's room, waiting. Her hand hovered over the phone in her pocket, and she was torn as to what she should do.

The detective in her was screaming out to call it in, she knew that whatever evidence there was in the alleyway was deteriorating with every passing second. But she also knew, that for whatever reason, Amanda had chosen to call _her_, and Olivia knew that betraying her trust at this point would probably do more harm than good. She resigned herself to talking with Amanda again, to try and encourage her to come to the decision to report it herself.

Olivia wasn't long until she heard raised voices from inside the room. She winced slightly. Before the doctor had gone in to see Amanda, Olivia had asked her to bring up the possibility of a rape kit. She felt slightly guilty because she had agreed when Amanda told her she didn't consent, but this wasn't strictly breaking that agreement, as the doctor had only asked.

"Get out," she heard Amanda yell, and Olivia sprung to her feet, knowing this was her cue to wade back in to the situation.

"Hey," Olivia said calmly, as she stepped into the room and behind the curtain. The cut on Amanda's cheek had been stitched up and a fresh white plaster covered the injury. She was surprised to see that the doctor had managed to coax Amanda into a gown, and then she realised the cause of the current conflict was the brown paper bag the doctor was holding.

Amanda's jacket and top were on the edge of the bed, and Olivia presumed that the doctor had asked her to put the garments into the evidence bag.

"Why are you trying to trick me? I said no," Amanda said, flashing a desperate look at Olivia.

The doctor, slightly flustered, gestured to the clothes, "It was just to preserve the chain of evidence in case-"

"In case she wants to change her mind," Olivia finished the doctor's sentence for her, "Amanda," she said softly, "she's just trying to give you options. Things will look clearer after… in the morning and you might change your mind. And if you do it's important that procedure is followed. Put the clothes in the bag 'Manda, that's it, you don't have to do anything else," Olivia pressed softly, hoping that the gentle encouragement would work.

"The only option I want is to go home," Amanda insisted, but she grabbed the clothes anyway and stuffed them into the bag in the doctor's hands. Wordlessly, the doctor signed the ticket on the bag and put it on the trolley.

"Can I have a minute with her?" Olivia asked the doctor quietly.

"Sure, from what she's let me look at, her physical injuries aren't too severe, she has a mild concussion and a couple of cracked ribs. The rest is superficial scratching and bruising, though it will still cause a moderate amount of pain. She didn't consent to a full exam though so I can't account for the full extent of her injuries,"

"Thank you doctor," Olivia said.

Olivia waited until the doctor had left the room before she turned her attention to Amanda.

"I'm all stitched up," Amanda said flippantly, pointing to her cheek, "Can I go now?"

Olivia sighed. This was going to be even harder that she'd imagined, "Honey, someone hurt you, don't let him get away with it," she reasoned gently with the blonde, using the same coaxing voice she tended to use with the most reluctant of complainants.

"No," Amanda shook her head. She was still as defiant as ever, "please, can you get me something to wear, instead of this gown, I want to go home,"

"If you consent to a rape kit, you don't have to release it, it's just there if you change your mind, you know this Amanda" Olivia insisted, firmer this time. There was a part of her that knew, in the cold light of morning, when she was more sober, that Amanda might feel differently and Olivia wanted to make sure she had every opportunity to report the son of a bitch. And that meant collecting the evidence as soon as possible.

"I know I have a duty," Amanda said venomously, "I know you're thinkin', that I should do this so he doesn't hurt some other woman,"

"I am," Olivia answered truthfully, now was no time for lies and pleasantries.

"and that if you did it then why can't I?" Amanda said tearfully, "but the truth is, I'm not as strong you Olivia," she sniffled and wiped her cheeks but the tears still kept coming, "not even close," she whispered.

Amanda's admittance stunned Olivia and for a moment there was nothing the brunette could do but stand looking at Amanda in shock. If Amanda thought she was strong Olivia wished she'd been there at the hospital after Morris had kidnapped her. If anything, they were par for par on how they'd both reacted.

"It's humiliating and painful and I can't do it Olivia," Amanda said in a tiny, defeated voice, shaking Olivia's train of thought.

"I _know_ it is, but how many times have we had women refuse, only for them to change their minds, a day or a week later. And there's nothing we can do to help them because there's no evidence. I can't let that happen to you," Olivia sat down on the bed next to Amanda and reached for the blonde's hand, "Amanda," she said softly, squeezing the other woman's hand gently, "you can do this," she encouraged.

"I'm so scared Olivia," Amanda admitted, "it's too much,"

"One step at a time huh?" Olivia said, "Can you try? I promise you, if you want to stop, it'll stop. Okay?"

Olivia looked expectantly at Amanda, knowing that this was the make or break moment.

"You promise?" Amanda asked quietly.

"You're in control," Olivia said, flashing her a reassuring smile. The brunette breathed a small sigh of relief as Amanda nodded her consent.

* * *

It had taken a good hour and a half for a trained nurse to become available and Amanda had gotten so worked up that at one point Olivia was sure she was going to change her mind. She was however, able to get Amanda to let her call uniforms to secure the scene, currently Amanda was a 'Jane Doe' but that would soon change once Olivia put in the formal call to SVU.

"You okay?" Olivia asked softly. Amanda had been pacing the room for the past half an hour, rubbing her forehead every now and then.

"Just sobering up," Amanda replied quietly, "kinda wish I wasn't,"

Amanda jumped at a sudden knock on the door and Olivia flashed her a reassuring look, "it's okay,"

"Sorry about the wait, my name's Caroline," the nurse introduced herself, "and you must be Amanda," she said kindly, "before we start I just want explain-"

"I know how it works," Amanda cut in coldly. She was standing in the corner of the room, her arms wrapped around herself defensively, "no talking, no explaining anything, just do it,"

Olivia could sense Amanda's panic, but she knew that the blonde was trying to detach herself from the situation as much as possible. She'd seen it a hundred times, sometimes the victims withdrew so far into themselves it was impossible to get a useful statement out of them for hours afterwards. _Victim. _A wave of nausea roiled in Olivia's stomach as she found herself referring to Amanda as a victim. She remembered how it was to feel so weak, so helpless and she couldn't help wishing that it was a stranger in Amanda's position right now. This hit to close to home, far too close.

"Amanda, you control the pace alright, if you want to stop," Olivia said, pausing to shoot the nurse a look to make sure knew she was being serious, "it'll stop okay?"

Amanda nodded meekly, "Okay."

"I'll be right outside this door," Olivia promised, she wanted to be close by but also didn't want to invade Amanda's privacy.

"No," Amanda said, "stay, please. Is that okay?" she asked tearfully, her eyes flicking between the two other women in the room.

"Are you sure?" Olivia questioned, slightly taken back by the request, not because it was unusual; she had supported victims during rape exams before, but because of the level of trust Amanda Rollins was currently placing in her.

"Please," Amanda repeated.

"Okay," Olivia nodded with a small smile, "okay,"


	3. Chapter 3

_"No," Amanda said, "stay, please. Is that okay?" she asked tearfully, her eyes flicking between the two other women in the room._

_"Are you sure?" Olivia questioned, slightly taken back by the request, not because it was unusual; she had supported victims during rape exams before, but because of the level of trust Amanda Rollins was currently placing in her._

_"Please," Amanda repeated._

_"Okay," Olivia nodded with a small smile, "okay,"_

* * *

"Open up please," the nurse said, waving the cotton swab in front of Amanda's face.

Olivia watched as the blonde set her jaw stubbornly, but ultimately she complied with the nurse's request and opened her mouth. Amanda had been relatively calm during the more passive parts of the exam, she'd stared blankly into space as the nurse had clipped her fingernails and combed her hair, and hadn't fussed when two vials of blood had been drawn for the tox screen. But now it was getting more invasive and it was obvious that Amanda was having a hard time keeping it together. Olivia was standing a few feet away from the bed, keeping a respectable distance away.

Sometimes she would take a victims' statement during the exam, that way it meant they didn't have to hang around for so long but Amanda was so shaken up she decided it would be best to wait.

The nurse picked up a camera from the trolley and snapped a picture of the bruise that marred Amanda's left eye. Again the blonde barely reacted, didn't even seem to notice the flash.

"Loosen your gown a little and let it fall at the front," the nurse said sweetly, as she finished the paperwork for the oral swab.

"Sorry, what?" Amanda said, the nurses words regaining her attention.

"Let your gown drop at the front, I need to get some pictures of the bruising,"

"Oh, right," Amanda replied hoarsely. She was in the beginnings of a hangover and her throat was so dry.

Amanda caught eye contact with Olivia for a second before she dropped her head. Her hair acted as a curtain, shielding her face as the nurse took more photos of her chest, arms and back.

As the nurse notes down the image numbers in the paperwork Olivia noticed how tense Amanda had suddenly gotten. She wasn't surprised, since she knew that Amanda knew what was coming next.

"Amanda, do you want a break?" Olivia asked softly, crossing the room to be at the side of the bed. Amanda looked up at Olivia and crossed her arms defensively across her chest.

"Uh, no. I-I'm done," Amanda said quietly, shaking her head.

Olivia sighed softly. The nurse was only halfway through. They wouldn't be able to get a rape charge to stick without a complete exam. She knew that in the back of her mind Amanda knew this as well.

"Just take a minute okay?" Olivia soothed. The nurse took her cue to step back, and she busied herself with filling in some more of the paperwork.

Amanda looked up at Olivia and shook her head again. She looked so small and vulnerable sitting there, with her arms wrapped around herself. It was almost as if she were trying to physically hold herself together.

"I know this is hard, but you're doing a really good job Amanda," Olivia said, giving Amanda's hand a gentle squeeze.

"I can't," Amanda replied, her eyes full of tears, "I can't do this again,"

_Again_? Olivia's mind flashed back to a conversation she'd had with Amanda not long after she'd joined. She'd revealed to Olivia that *something* had happened in Atlanta but she'd been too busy to ever follow it up, had never found the right time. Olivia did know however that nothing had ever been done about it, Amanda had revealed that much, but she was starting to wonder if it was more complicated than that. Regardless, this wasn't about Atlanta, not at the moment, this was about Amanda getting the help and support she needed right now. Olivia knew the blonde detective would come down hard on herself if she refused to continue the exam now, only to regret the decision later. Of course she couldn't push Amanda, she could only encourage her.

"Yes you can," Olivia said gently, not letting go of Amanda's hand, "whatever you're afraid of, you can tell me, alright, I'm not going anywhere,"

"I don't want this to be for nothing" Amanda whispered, looking down again, "what if you never catch him, what if it doesn't go to trial?"

Olivia sensed that this was opening old wounds for Amanda, but the reality was that this wasn't the same as what had happened previously. Amanda wasn't in Atlanta, she was in New York and if Olivia had her way the scumbag would have the book thrown at him.

"We're gonna catch him," Olivia assured her.

"You can't promise me that," Amanda replied with a sigh.

"I can promise that we're gonna work with the evidence we have, and it's _good_ evidence Amanda, to get him. To keep you safe. But to do that we need all the evidence we can possibly collect. You know that," Olivia explained softly.

Amanda worked her hand out of Olivia's and ran her fingers through her knotted hair. Her eyes flicked over to the nurse, who was waiting patiently in the corner of the room and briefly up to Olivia before she looked down again.

"'Kay," Amanda agreed, so softly that Olivia wasn't sure she'd heard her right.

"You okay to continue?" Olivia asked, she wanted confirmation from Amanda before she brought the nurse back over.

Amanda gave a tiny nod, but didn't speak. Olivia took that as an affirmative and waved the nurse back over.

"I need you to remove your pants and underwear, separately," the nurse informed Amanda as she pushed the equipment trolley back over to the bed.

Slowly, somewhat hindered by the pain in her ribs, Amanda took off her jeans and handed them to them to the nurse. As the nurse bagged the jeans and filled out the paperwork Olivia stepped to the other side of the curtain. It had a dual purpose of giving Amanda some privacy and giving Olivia a minute to gather her thoughts. She really had thought that Amanda was going to refuse to continue for a moment there. She let out a small sigh and checked her phone. It was almost 4am. She figured if she could get Amanda to release the rape kit as soon as t was completed she could call it in to SVU and then CSU could start processing the alleyway. But Olivia's hands were tied until then.

From the other side of the curtain, she could hear the nurse telling Amanda to relax and Olivia shook her head sadly as she heard the small whimper that was Amanda's reply.

"Amanda I'm coming in is that okay?" Olivia asked. She didn't get a response either way but after a few seconds she decided that she was going to go in anyway.

"Okay," Olivia said gently, approaching the terrified woman, "take a breath Amanda, you can't relax when you're holding your breath,"

Amanda let out a long shaky breath but she wouldn't look up and make eye contact with Olivia. She did however, grasp gratefully on to Olivia's hand when it was offered.

"Almost done now, then we can get you out of here alright?"

Another tiny nod from Amanda. The nurse looked to Olivia to double check and the brunette detective found herself grateful for her caring and considerate manner.

Olivia didn't fail to notice the silent tears that rolled down Amanda's cheeks as the nurse took the last few samples and meticulously documented them with the paperwork.

"We're all done here," the nurse finally said, and Amanda moved herself to sit on the edge of the bed much faster than someone with her injuries should.

"I want to go, now. Please," she pleaded and the desperation was evident on her face.

"I'll get a doctor to come in and sign the discharge papers," the nurse offered helpfully, as she gathered all of the brown paper bags into one large box, "you can put these on," she said, handing Amanda a set of blue scrubs.

"Thank you," Olivia smiled to the nurse as she left the room with the trolley.

"Can I call this in?" Olivia asked gently.

"Fine," Amanda replied, setting the blue scrubs down on the bed. She stood up, wincing slightly at the movement and Olivia excused herself to let Amanda get dressed. She stepped outside to put in a call to SVU. Until she got Amanda's statement there wasn't much for the night shift to do bar tracking down the CCTV, and Olivia was sure that they'd hand it over to Fin and Nick when they realised who the victim was. Still it had gotten the ball rolling and CSU were going to process the scene at last. Once she'd finished the call to the precinct she hung up and dialled another number.

When Olivia stepped back into the room she caught the tail end of a conversation between Amanda and the doctor.

"...you can't be alone for the next 36 hours,"

"That's alright, she'll be with me," Olivia confirmed.

The doctor then signed the yellow release forms and gave them to Olivia.

"Miss Rollins does have a minor concussion so if she had any dizziness, nausea or severe pain you should bring her back in straight away," the doctor explained.

"Thank you doctor," Olivia said, as he left the room.

"Ready to go?" She asked Amanda, who was now dressed in the scrubs that were about 3 sizes too big for her.

Amanda nodded her head, "thanks... for telling the doctor I wouldn't be alone, they weren't going to let me go,"

"You're not going to be alone," Olivia replied, "you're staying at mine, at least for the rest of tonight," she explained as she caught the confused look on Amanda's face.

"No, no, it's okay," Amanda protested, shaking her head.

"My place is closer and I also need to take your statement and I didn't think you'd want to go to the precinct" Olivia explained, "and you really shouldn't be alone, not with a concussion,"

"But I, uh, I, what about Brian?"

"It's alright Amanda, I already talked to him," Olivia said with a reassuring smile as she draped her coat around the blonde's shoulders, "let's get out of here."

* * *

_thanks for reading! Please review!_


	4. Chapter 4

_Hey all. A BIG thank you to everyone who has reviewed. I really do appreciate hearing what you think and I take all of your comments into consideration. I've made this chapter extra long as a thank you and I really hope you like it :) please review this chapter, I'd love to hear what you think. Thanks for reading!_

* * *

Olivia glanced over at Amanda as they pulled up outside her apartment building. The blonde was sitting tensely in the passenger seat, Olivia's coat pulled protectively across her. She didn't seem to have noticed that the car had stopped.

"Amanda," Olivia said softly, not wanting to startle the other woman, "we're here."

Amanda turned her head slowly and sad eyes met Olivia's, "It's okay Olivia, I just wanna go home," she said quietly, she didn't want to do this. Not at all.

Olivia shook her head softly, "I'm sorry, I can't let you be on your own, come on," she said, rubbing Amanda's shoulder slightly in an attempt to relax her, "You'll be more comfortable in my apartment than sitting in the car,"

Olivia saw Amanda shake her head, but she reached down to unbuckle her seatbelt anyway. Amanda paused momentarily, an unspoken question resting on her lips.

"Brian?" Amanda whispered.

"He's gone back to his place, it's just you and me, alright." Olivia soothed, giving Amanda a reassuring smile.

"I'm sorry," Amanda mumbled.

"It's okay," Olivia reassured her as she got out of the car. She opened the door on Amanda's side and offered her arm to help her up. Amanda refused and struggled to her feet, the pain and effort etched onto her bruised face.

It was slow going with Amanda's refusal of help but eventually they made it to Olivia's apartment. Olivia flicked the light switch as she walked in, flooding the room with light.

Amanda stepped in and stood awkwardly against the hall wall. She could count on one hand the amount of times she had been inside Olivia's apartment, this made number four. Despite now being in the grips of a raging hangover, Amanda could feel the adrenaline and apprehension running through her body. She knew that Olivia was going to ask her to make a statement and right now it was the last thing she wanted to do.

Olivia turned to shut the door and caught sight of Amanda. She was standing with her back against the wall, the coat still cocooning her, as if protecting her. Olivia could see how tense Amanda was with every breath the blonde took, she recognised the look in her blue eyes, as one that indicated she could bolt at any second.

Knowing better than to push for the statement at this minute, Olivia tried a different tactic, "Do you want a shower?" she asked kindly, and she saw Amanda suck in a breath at the offer.

Without hesitation, Amanda nodded in agreement. A shower was exactly what she wanted. She'd have time to herself, to clean the filth from herself, maybe wash away some of the hangover, and more importantly, figure out what she was going to say to Olivia.

Olivia motioned for Amanda to follow her into the bedroom. The bed was unmade, a tell tale sign that the most recent occupant had left in a hurry. Amanda felt incredibly guilty that Olivia had kicked Brian out, but at the same time she was relieved because she was barely handling Olivia seeing her in this state. She didn't even want to think about the rest of the team right now. Just the thought of them _knowing_ was almost too much to bear.

Rummaging around in her wardrobe, Olivia managed to find something that would fit Amanda well enough, simple sweat pants and a t shirt. "these should fit," Olivia said, motioning to the folded clothes then grabbing a couple of clean towels. Amanda just nodded and followed her into the bathroom.

"Take as long as you need okay?" Olivia said, and Amanda nodded again. Olivia gave her a small smile and stepped out, leaving Amanda alone with her thoughts.

Deliberately avoiding the mirror, Amanda reached in and turned the shower on. Ideally she would have had it burning hot, but the last thing she wanted was to faint in the shower so she settled for a medium setting. Undressing proved to be as painful as dressing had been. Getting rid of the coat was easy enough but she struggled to extricate herself from the scrubs and found herself twisting awkwardly to save herself from the worst of the pain. Everywhere hurt and her head was pounding, from the concussion and from the hangover. She closed her eyes and sighed, she would give anything to be able to start the night over.

"Damn it," Amanda whispered, as she fought back tears that prickled behind her closed eyelids, "damn it."

She climbed into the shower, gasping as the pressure of the water hit the tender flesh of her back. Careful of the dressing on her face she tipped her head back, soaking her hair. Still not letting her tears fall she reached for the shampoo, determined to wash every trace of him away.

* * *

Olivia glanced at the clock on the wall and sighed. Amanda had been in the shower for just over half an hour. Which was a perfectly normal time except Olivia was worried because Amanda had a concussion. Taking a sip of coffee, Olivia decided to wait another 15 minutes then go and check on her. The last thing she wanted was to rush Amanda. She had to build upon the trust the blonde had put in her. Something was niggling at Olivia, she knew there was some reason why Amanda was holding back; she wasn't sure if whatever had happened in Atlanta was the reason, her gut was telling her there was something else too.

In the end, Olivia didn't have to go and check because Amanda appeared in the doorway less than 10 minutes later. Despite having rolled over the waistband of the sweatpants a couple of times the material pooled at the shorter detectives feet. The t shirt was a little big too. The outfit coupled with the lost look on Amanda's face made her look like a little girl and Olivia fought a maternal urge to rush over and hug her.

Instead she poured out a glass of water and took it over to Amanda. Amanda accepted the glass gratefully and took a sip and allowed herself to be guided over to the couch in the middle of the room. She was so exhausted and in pain, and as Amanda sank down into the comfortable cushions she wondered if she would ever have the strength to stand up again.

Olivia opened a bottle of pain pills they'd stopped by the pharmacy to pick up and held 2 out to Amanda.

"These should help ease your pain a little," Olivia said as Amanda swallowed the pills.

Instead of sitting next to Amanda on the couch, Olivia sat on the coffee table so she could be opposite her. Amanda suddenly noticed the tape recorder that was on the table and Olivia must have caught the panicked expression on her face because she reached out and gently held Amanda's hands in her own.

"Honey I know you're tired, but do you think you could tell me what happened? Just an overview while it's still fresh in your memory?"

Everything in Amanda's head was screaming no, but she'd already set the ball rolling. She'd allowed the rape kit, she'd let Olivia call it in to SVU. Even if she didn't make a statement, people would still find out.

"I – uh," Amanda stuttered, not entirely sure where to start. She saw Olivia flicked the 'record' button on the recorder and another wave of panic rolled over her.

"It's okay," Olivia reassured her, "take your time Amanda,"

"Before I was at the bar, I was – I was at a casino Liv," Amanda admitted, and she hated the words as they came out of her mouth but she knew she had to be truthful.

Olivia sat back slightly in shock. That would definitely explain why Amanda had been so unwilling to cooperate. As far as Olivia knew, Cragen had only given Amanda one chance when it came to the gambling. This revelation had consequences that reached far further than just this case. Still, the priority was Amanda's assault, and telling Amanda off for falling was the worst thing Olivia could do, from their brief conversation earlier, Olivia knew that Amanda was already blaming herself enough.

"Okay," Olivia said calmly, "we can deal with that, when we need to okay?" Olivia said, "I know you've had a tough couple of days, I'll talk to Cragen. Amanda please don't worry about that for now,"

Amanda let out a breath she hadn't realised she'd been holding at Olivia's offer of help. She hadn't expected such a calm reaction from the brunette detective. She wasn't entirely convinced that even Olivia would be able to help her sort that mess out with Cragen but for the moment her reassurance that she would try was enough. Amanda took another sip of water before she continued, her throat was so dry.

"I met him there, at the casino," Amanda said, screwing her face up at the memory.

"Can you describe him?" Olivia asked gently. She still had hold of Amanda's hands and she felt them begin to shake as she asked her question.

"He was- uh, his name is Stephen, he's white, tall, 5'10" or 5'11" maybe," Amanda took a shuddering breath as she tried to recall the details of her attacker, "short black hair, his eyes w-were so green, I remember asking him if he had coloured contacts in." Amanda paused, closing her eyes briefly. Recalling the details was causing an uncomfortable sensation to settle in the pit of her stomach. She was already feeling nauseous and this wasn't helping.

"You're doing great, just take your time," Olivia said soothingly, her voice calm and even.

"Blue jeans, a white shirt, uh- he had a tattoo on his left arm, it was a number and a cross," Amanda started reeling off the details quickly, trying not to linger too much on them, and Olivia was glad she'd decided to use the recorder instead of taking notes. This was she wouldn't miss anything.

"I can't remember the number," Amanda said, shaking her head, "a Batman belt buckle," she said with a shudder. That was one detail she would never forget, "I-I can't remember anything else," Amanda said with defeat in her voice.

"That's okay, we'll call in a sketch artist in tomorrow, see if we can get something down on paper," Olivia explained, and winced slightly in anticipation of her next question. The brunette detective knew she was going fast, but she also knew that Amanda would need to rest soon and the more details she got before then, the better. "Can you tell me what happened?" she asked, giving Amanda's hands a gentle squeeze.

Amanda closed her eyes and sighed, "I flirted with him, I made the first move. I accepted the drinks when he bought me them. God, Liv I let myself get so wasted," Amanda said, getting frustrated with herself.

"This is not your fault," Olivia insisted, as she had done hundreds of times before, "it doesn't matter how much you had to drink, or if you flirted alright? I know you know this Amanda, you need to stop blaming yourself,"

Amanda just shook her head at Olivia's words but she continued anyway, "we left and went to this bar, Callahan's, and I let him keep buying me drinks." Amanda's faced screwed up in disgust, "but then it started to get late, and I – I already knew I was going to have a hangover. I didn't want to drink anymore."

Olivia had been watching Amanda get more and more worked up as she continued to relay the events leading up to her assault. The blonde shivered slightly, and Olivia reached for the blanket on the arm of the sofa and draped it over Amanda's shoulders.

"What happened next?" Olivia prompted.

Amanda clutched the blanket as it was put around her shoulders. She was grateful for the instant warmth it gave, "I told him I was leaving and he just assumed he was going with me. So I told him no. He acted like it was fine, said he was gonna wait with me while I got a cab. I should have known," Amanda shook her head, "I should have known."

Tears began to pool in Amanda's eyes as she thought about what happened next, "I couldn't stand up properly and I c-couldn't fight when… he pulled me into the alley. He pushed me to my knees and said I had a chance to redeem myself," Amanda was talking quickly now, the pace of her words matching the racing of her heart and Olivia just let her talk, interrupting her or asking questions would be useless.

"He unzipped his pants, h-held… my hair, told me not to be stupid,"

Olivia's heart dropped at Amanda's words. They were bringing up unwanted memories of Olivia's own assault at Sealview. Swallowing a newly formed lump in her throat, Olivia regained her composure and gave Amanda a reassuring look.

"I said no," Amanda whispered, "so he got real angry, hitting me, I tried, I couldn't fight him, then he hit my head against the concrete, when I came to h-he…was,"

"Slow down," Olivia said calmly. Amanda was talking so fast and getting so worked up that her breathing was becoming irregular and Olivia wanted to avoid dealing with a full blown panic attack if she could help it.

"h-he was, I couldn't… too s-strong… h-he… ra- ra…," Amanda fought to get her words out. Between furiously trying to blink back the tears that were threatening to fall and the panic she felt at recalling the attack she'd lost control over her breathing. Each sharp breath produced a stabbing pain in her ribs, which then made it impossible to take another even breath. The situation was just compounding itself and Amanda could see Olivia's concerned face, she heard as Olivia was telling her to slow down, but she just couldn't do it.

Olivia reached and grasped Amanda's hands, working them loose from the blanket she was currently clutching, and held them tightly, trying to ground the blonde back in reality.

"Amanda, you've gotta slow down okay," Olivia spoke clearly and calmly, a stark contrast to the panicking woman in front of her. Amanda shook her head, terror flashing in her eyes as she took in less oxygen with every breath.

"…can't," Amanda wheezed, holding desperately on to Olivia's hands.

"Yes you can sweetheart," Olivia reassured her, "you need to take one big deep breath, you can do that."

"hurts."

"I know honey, come on, one big breath," Olivia coaxed.

Concentration became etched on Amanda's face as she tried to do as Olivia was telling her. Finally she managed to take in a painful but longer breath and Olivia was counting for her, helping her to calm down. Eventually Amanda's breathing was almost back to normal, save for the occasional wheeze. She found herself unable to meet Olivia's gaze, embarrassed at what had just happened. Amanda pulled her hands back and wrapped them around herself protectively.

"Liv can we stop, please?" Amanda asked, though Olivia had already made the decision to end the interview for now.

"Sure, you must be exhausted," Olivia observed, "let me just go and fix the bed."

"The couch is fine," Amanda protested, though she knew it would fall on deaf ears.

"No it's not, I'll just be a minute," Olivia replied, disappearing from view.

Amanda sighed and put her head in her hands, wincing as she unwittingly put pressure on her bruised eye. She had no idea how she was going to get through this.


	5. Chapter 5

_Thank you SO much for all the reviews I'm absolutely blown away by the support for this story. I'm sorry this is a bit of a shorter chapter but I wanted to get something up as a thankyou for the feedback. I really do appreciate it :) I hope you enjoy this chapter and please contine to treview and tell me what you think!_

* * *

When Olivia came back out to the lounge five minutes later, she found Amanda still in the same position sitting on the couch. She was careful to make sure she was in Amanda's line of sight before she spoke so as not to startle her.

"Can I get you anything? Tea?" Olivia asked, though she was pretty sure the blonde just wanted to get some rest.

"Uhm, no I'm okay. Thank you," Amanda replied, shaking her head. She didn't feel like she could even stomach water at the moment and she was so exhausted, all she wanted to do was lay down.

"Come on," Olivia said kindly, laying her hand softly on Amanda's shoulder, "why don't you get some rest?"

Amanda nodded and she let Olivia help her up from the couch. She was grateful for the help as though the painkillers had dulled the aching in her head, her ribs were still incredibly painful. She walked, half leaning on Olivia to the master bedroom where she was dismayed to find that Olivia had not just made the bed, she'd changed all of the sheets. Amanda was already feeling guilty that Olivia was doing so much for her.

Olivia turned down the blankets so that Amanda could get into the bed, rearranging the pillows so that they weren't too high. Amanda sat on the edge of the bed, not quite getting into it and for a moment there was an awkward pause as neither woman knew what to say.

"I'll leave this on," Olivia said, switching on the bedside lamp. It gave out a soft warm glow, one that she herself had relied upon in the months after her abduction. She'd only recently learned to sleep without it.

"Thanks Olivia," Amanda mumbled, though she felt her words weren't nearly worth enough. She was still sat on the edge of the bed, her whole body rigid, half from pain and half from the awkwardness of the situation.

"Amanda it's okay," Olivia said gently, trying to reassure her, "just try and relax, you're safe here."

Amanda took a long shay breath and tried to relax herself a little bit, "I'm sorry," she whispered, her head down so she didn't have to make eye contact with Olivia.

"Hey, don't apologise," Olivia said, sitting down next to Amanda on the bed, "look at me," she asked, and Amanda found herself complying with Olivia's request despite the fact she didn't want to.

"This is not your fault," Olivia insisted, and Amanda could see in the brunette's eyes that she really believed it but even that didn't stop how guilty she was feeling.

Despite Amanda's lack of response Olivia continued talking anyway, "I'm here to help you in whatever way I can, because you're my friend, and because I want to. I want you to feel comfortable, if you'd rather go home, we can go to your place but I really think you need to rest," Olivia explained calmly and Amanda found herself wondering how Olivia was being so gracious.

"Here's… fine," Amanda said quietly, with a tiny nod of her head.

"Okay," Olivia smiled, secretly relieved that she wouldn't have to drive across town at 5 in the morning. It wouldn't have been good for her or Amanda, "I'm going to be right outside if you need anything."

"Okay," Amanda agreed. She still hadn't made any move to get in to the bed but Olivia figured it would be better to let her do it in her own time so she stood up and made her way to the door.

When Olivia switched off the main light Amanda was pleased to see that the lamp on by the side of the bed still provided enough light so she could see everything, but it wasn't so bright that it hurt her eyes.

"You need anything, just call," Olivia said kindly, before closing the door behind her.

Amanda let out a breath she hadn't realised she'd been holding and dropped her head in to her hands. She couldn't help wishing that this was all some sick dream and that she would soon wake up in her own bed in her apartment but the stabbing pain in her ribs told her that it was all very real. Bringing her legs up slowly she settled into the bed and pulled the covers up to her chin. A voice in the back of her mind told her to stop being stupid and turn the lamp off but she couldn't bring herself to do it. Instead she closed her eyes and tried to focus on anything other than the pain she was in. When she was finally settled, it took less than ten minutes for Amanda to fall into a light sleep, her body and mind both exhausted.

* * *

Olivia returned to the longue with the idea of getting some sleep. It was past 5 in the morning and she knew that when Nick and Fin got to the precinct at 8 and caught wind of the case, she'd be on her phone non stop. She turned off the light and settled on the couch. Pulling the blanket over herself she got comfortable and closed her eyes, only for her mind to begin racing.

She couldn't get the look on Amanda's face out of her head. She'd seen it on her own face, in the mirror, after both Sealview and her abduction. That look of utter helplessness and desperation. She knew how hard it was, she knew how hard it must be for Amanda. After 15 minutes Olivia still couldn't switch off so she got up, poured herself another cup of coffee and began transcribing Amanda's interview and consolidating the information. If she couldn't sleep she may as well be productive.

* * *

Amanda awoke suddenly, her heart racing and an uncomfortable feeling of panic in her chest. The sheets around her were tangled, physical evidence of the fight she'd had in her nightmare. She'd been running from not one, but two attackers and cringed at the cruelness of it. Her ribs felt like they were on fire, her head had started aching again and she was still exhausted. Glancing quickly at the clock she noticed she had been asleep for less than an hour.

She needed to get up, get away from the bed long enough to gather her thoughts and calm down but as she went to move pain rippled across her chest and it was bad enough to forced her back into a lying down position. Amanda bit her lip and managed to avoid crying out in pain but as soon as her head hit the pillow hot salty tears of frustration began to fall from her eyes and this time there was nothing she could do to stop them. She'd held them back for too long and now they were coming in full force. She buried her face into the pillow, ignoring the pain it caused her bruised cheek in an attempt to muffle her sobs and not wake Olivia.

* * *

Olivia was on her second cup of coffee and reconstructing a rough timeline of Amanda's evening when she thought she heard a noise. It was loud, and she listened intently for a couple of seconds but it didn't repeat. She put it down to tiredness and continued writing.

Then she heard it again. Slightly louder this time and more noticeable. She'd seen and heard enough crying in her 15 years at SVU to know what it was. Olivia got up to walk to her bedroom and then paused, wondering briefly if she should just give Amanda some privacy. The blonde had never been forthcoming with her emotions and she didn't want to intrude. But on the other hand, if Amanda didn't want her there, all she had to do was say, so Olivia crossed the hallway and knocked softly on the door.

"Amanda?" she asked, "are you okay?"

Olivia got no answer, but the sobs were slightly louder now she'd come to the door, "I'm going to come in, is that alright?"

There was still no answer from Amanda but that meant there was no refusal either, so Olivia took a deep breath and opened the door. The scene she saw before her broke Olivia's heart. Amanda was curled up on her side facing away from Olivia, her shoulders shaking with heavy sobs. It was obvious she had her face pressed into the pillow because even now the sounds were muffled.

Olivia crossed over to the bed and sat on the edge. Amanda's back was still to her but Olivia reached over to brush the hair out of Amanda's face.

"It's just me sweetie," Olivia soothed when Amanda flinched slightly at her touch.

Amanda attempted to sit up again, but like before the pain was a hindrance. Olivia noticed this and helped Amanda up. She was still sobbing profusely and couldn't even get any words out. This only compounded Amanda's frustration and caused more tears.

"Don't try to speak, it's okay," Olivia said, wrapping her arms around the crying woman.

Amanda fought the embrace for a moment, before her need for comfort won out and she all but collapsed in Olivia's arms.


	6. Chapter 6

_Thank you so much for the reviews :) please continue to leave your comments I really like hearing what you guys think :)_

* * *

"It's okay," Olivia soothed as she continued to cradle Amanda in her arms. The blonde was clinging on to her as if for dear life, and Olivia knew there was nothing she could do until Amanda had calmed down.

Finally the sobs quieted to sniffles and the violent shaking that had overtaken Amanda's body lessened. She relaxed into Olivia arms for a moment before she pulled herself out of the embrace.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry," Amanda apologised, her voice thick with tears. Her face was flushed from the effort of crying but also with embarrassment.

"Stop it," Olivia said gently, "you don't have to be embarrassed, not around me. Nothing shocks me," she soothed.

Amanda gave her a small smile and wiped her watery eyes, "you promise?"

"I promise," Olivia said, rewarded the tiny smile with a warm one of her own, "do you wanna talk about it?" She asked, watching the blonde's face to try and guess what the reaction would be.

"I'd rather not," Amanda replied, it had been hard enough spilling her guts about last night, she didn't need to offload any more baggage onto Olivia.

"If you change your mind, you can come to me," Olivia assured her, "always. Hey how's your head?" She asked kindly, noticing how Amanda was kneading her scalp with her fingers.

"This is up there with the worst hangovers I've ever had," Amanda quipped. Humour was a defensive tactic that worked well usually, but she could tell that Olivia was seeing straight through it.

"I'm sorry I can't give you any more painkillers," Olivia winced, "but how about I get you a drink of water? You're probably a little dehydrated,"

"No it's okay, I'll get it," Amanda said, extricating herself from the sheets. The pain in her ribs was bothering her again, but because she was already in a sitting position it wasn't too bad.

"I'm not gonna get back to sleep now," Amanda explained when Olivia gave her a quizzical look.

"I couldn't drop off either," Olivia admitted, and she wished she hadn't said anything when she saw the crestfallen look on Amanda's face.

"It's my own fault I had a cup of coffee," Olivia said, before Amanda could offer another apology that she didn't need to.

Amanda didn't look convinced but she nodded anyway and took Olivia's offer of help when the brunette reached out an arm for her to lean on.

"My alarm would have been going off around now anyway," Amanda mused as she caught sight of the clock.

Once they got to the kitchen Olivia poured Amanda a glass of water and the blonde perched on one of the breakfast bar stools. It wasn't the most comfortable place to sit but at least she knew she could get up on her own.

Olivia busied herself with getting the ingredients together for pancakes. Which to Amanda's amusement consisted of a bottle of ready to pour mix. She caught the small smile on the blonde's face and chuckled, "if I buy fresh ingredients, I never use the all up, at least this way I can always have pancakes," she explained and Amanda knew all too well about never actually getting around to eating the fresh food she bought.

Once the pancakes were cooked and plated up they are in a comfortable silence for a while before Olivia dared to bring up what she knew would be a sensitive subject matter.

"Amanda are you feeling up to working with a sketch artist today?" She asked tentatively.

She saw the blonde physically tense at the question, and she set down the cutlery she had been using to push around pieces of her second pancake.

"Uh, yeah... I think it'll be better sooner," Amanda said, though the tone of her voice indicates that it was the last thing she wanted to do.

"Well I can arrange someone to come to the precinct first thing, and you can get it over and done with," Olivia offered.

"Liv," Amanda started, it was the the best idea, she knew that, but she also knew who else would be in the precinct at 8, "the guys, I don't know... I don't know if I can handle seeing them right now," she admitted.

"I understand, it's okay. Look we could get there a little early and then I can talk to the guys if you want, let them know you're gonna need a little space," Olivia offered and while she knew Nick wouldn't be a problems, she was going to have a hard time keeping Fin away from his partner.

Amanda pondered this for a moment and realised it was the best scenario. The quicker she went in and did it the quicker she could leave.

"Okay, thanks," Amanda replied, and she looked down at the second pancake in defeat,"I'm sorry Olivia I'm gonna have to leave this."

"Don't worry about it," Olivia smiled, reaching over to clear the plate away, "do you want to go over to yours and get some different clothes before we head to he precinct?"

Amanda shook her head, she just wanted to get it done as quickly as possible, "I've got a change of clothes in my locker," she explained.

"Okay, well I just need to shower and then we'll leave in about... half an hour?" Olivia said, glancing at the clock. It was just before 7, so that meant they should arrive at the precinct just before the others.

Amanda nodded in agreement and Olivia walked down the hall back to her bedroom. Amanda put her head in her hands and let out a huge sigh. She would be lying if she said her pain wasn't bothering her to an extent where it was hard to think about anything else. Not just her head, but her ribs and her arms, and a deeper, stabbing ache in her belly that made her feel sick.

She looked at the clock, counting the hours until she could take someone painkillers. Too long, and she briefly considered just double dosing before she second guessed herself. She didn't want to add painkillers to her list of current addictions so she just gritted her teeth and resolved herself to just get through it.

Amanda heart sank as she remembered that she'd told Olivia last night that she'd been in a casino. Olivia hadn't mentioned it, probably to save panicking her but she knew it was going to come out sooner rather than later. The captain had given her one chance and she'd blown it. She didn't know how she was going to face him.

Groaning, Amanda stood up and made her own way back to Olivia's bedroom. She knocked softly to make are the room wasn't in use before she crossed over to regard her reflection in the floor length mirror. She could hear the shower spray running so Amanda knew she had a bit of time to at least try and make herself presentable before she left the house.

She winced at her reflection in the polished glass. In the daylight that was beginning to streak through the blinds her bruises appeared were even more ugly than they were las night. Deep purple and blue blossomed over her cheek and eye socket. The bandage on her cheek had stayed pretty well, camouflaging the cut there. The t shirt she was wearing exposed her arms, allowing the angry red and purple marks on her wrists to be on show and she reminded herself to ask Olivia of she could borrow a jacket. She stopped short of lifting the garment to check her torso for bruises, she could tell from the pain she was in that she would be covered in them.

*At least it looks like I fought back this time* Amanda found herself thinking as she studied herself in the mirror. A wave of nausea overcame her at the though and she shook her head slightly, trying to empty her mind of everything.

She borrowed a hair brush from Olivia's dressing table and pulled it through her hair as many times as the pain in her ribs would allow her. When she has finished she looked marginally better but there was no denying what she had been through. She looked like she'd been assaulted. She looked like a victim and Amanda hated it.

She went back out into lounge to wait for Olivia and poured herself another glass of water, hoping to at least eradicate her hangover.

About thirty minutes later Olivia came walking into the lounge, her hair freshly blow dried and dressed in simple black pant suit. To look at her you would never have guessed she'd been up half the night.

"You ready to go?" Olivia asked.

Amanda nodded, "could I borrow a jacket?"

"Oh yeah of course, I'm sorry," Olivia said, waking over to the small closet in her hallway and pulling out a fleece lined jacket and handing it to Amanda.

It was a little big like the rest of the clothes Amanda had on but it was comfortable and warm, and most importantly, covered her arms. She could tip her hair forward to cover her bruised face and any passer by would probably not even notice her appearance. It wouldn't work with He guys though but she was grateful that Olivia had already offered to talk to them on her behalf.

"Let's get going," Olivia said kindly.


	7. Chapter 7

_Hi guys I got a bit of inspiration so I decided to update another chapter today :) please continue to review and let me know what you think!_

* * *

They arrived at the precinct just before 8 as Liv had promised. She let out a sigh of relief when she didn't see Nick's car in the parking lot and while Fin tended to use the subway, chances were if Nick wasn't in then Fin wouldn't be.

"You ready?" Olivia asked softly, and Amanda nodded her head though she wasn't sure at all.

Thankfully due to the early hour, the corridors were mostly empty and they made it up to the bullpen without drawing attention to themselves. It was only when they walked into the bullpen that Amanda and Olivia came face to face with Captain Cragen.

Olivia could have kicked herself, she should have known one of the detectives on the graveyard shift would have told Cragen. Amanda was after all, one their own.

Before he even had a chance to speak, Amanda panicked but Olivia reacted quickly enough to stop the blonde from bolting out of the door. Wrapping her arm around Amanda she almost shielded the younger woman from Cragen's view and started towards one of the interview rooms.

"Give us a minute Cap," Olivia called over her shoulder and she steered Amanda into the nearest available room.

"Calm down," Olivia soothed as she closed the door behind them, shutting the rest of the bullpen away, "you're okay,"

Amanda let out a shaky breath but Olivia had acted quickly enough to avoid her having a full blown panic attack.

"Are you gonna be okay in here for a bit?" Olivia asked, once she was sure that Amanda had calmed down.

"Yeah I'm okay," Amanda said shakily.

"If the sketch artist arrives do you want me to get them to wait so I can come in with them?" Olivia offered, as she realised that she had no idea if it'd be a man or woman and she didn't want to panic Amanda further.

"If that's okay?" Amanda said quietly.

"It's fine," Olivia smiled, "just take a seat and try and relax okay."

Olivia gave one last glance to Amanda before she left the room, making sure to push the sign to engaged to make sure no one walked in on her.

"Talk to me Liv," Cragen asked as Olivia came round the corner.

"I'm guessing you've already got the details," Olivia answered, she noticed the case file in his hands was marked Rollins, A.

"I got the basics from the night shift detectives but I'm hoping you can fill me in a bit more."

Olivia shifted somewhat awkwardly, she knew she had to bring up the casino as soon as possible as that was one detail that Cragen definitely didn't have.

"Actually Captain, could we talk in your office," Olivia asked.

"Of course," Cragen answered, though he had a slightly puzzled look on his face.

"Cap, Amanda came forward very reluctantly. It was battle as soon as I got to the hospital and when I took her initial statement last night she revealed that she had been in a casino when she met her attacker,"

Olivia paused, allowing the captain to take in the information. His face was neutral and it was hard for Olivia to judge his reaction and he cleared his throat before he started to speak.

"Was she gambling?" He asked.

"She didn't say, but her apprehension at revealing where she was makes me think that this is the case Cap," Olivia explained, "I know this isn't exactly professional but I did assure Rollins that I would talk to you about it. She has had a rough couple of days and..."

"Enough Olivia," Cragen cut in, "the most important thing right now is catching her attacker, let her know that we'll deal with that revelation afterwards. And to not worry," he added, a fatherly tone evident in his voice.

"Thank you Captain," Olivia smiled, relieved.

"You'll need to brief Fin and Amaro," Cragen said, "they'll be leading on this. I don't want any arguments, you're already too close," he explained. Cragen had seen how Olivia had jumped to protect Amanda and they were already going to have a hard time staying objective. He didn't want to compromise the case.

"With all due respect Cap she had a hard enough time telling me what happened, I don't think she's going to take well to explaining it to the guys as well," Olivia argued. She knew that the captain had his reasons, but she also wanted to make it as easy and as comfortable as possible for Amanda.

Cragen mulled over the information for a moment before he spoke, "okay Olivia you handle any interviews with Amanda, but let the guys take the lead with the investigative work. That includes busting the perp," he added, hoping that Olivia would agree to the compromise, though he knew she wouldn't like it.

"Fine, okay," Olivia agreed. She wasn't overly happy about having to take a step back, but it did mean she would be able to spend more time with Amanda.

"Speak of the devil," Cragen said, nodding at Fin and Nick who had just come walking into the bullpen.

Olivia managed to catch Fin's eye and she waved them both in. The way they were joking as they entered told Olivia that they hadn't heard the news on the grapevine.

"Wow who died?" Nick asked as he walked into Cragen's office and saw the serious expressions on Olivia and the captain's faces. When neither Olivia or Cragen responded to the joke both Fin and Nick's demeanours sobered immediately, realising that something was seriously wrong.

"Cap?" Fin questioned, suddenly noticing the absence of his partner.

"Where's Rollins?" Nick asked, realising at the same time as Fin that she was nowhere to be found, "let me guess, she skipped town and went to Atlantic City."

It was no secret that Nick and Amanda had had a big argument but his flippant comment was enough to push Olivia over the edge.

"Shut up Nick!" She shouted, much to the three men's surprise.

"Fin, Nick," Cragen cut in, drawing their attention away from Olivia. He opened the file containing the first details of Amanda attack, "Amanda was beaten and assaulted last night outside a bar last night. Olivia has been with her all night," Cragen said sombrely and the remorse that crossed Nick's face sated even Olivia's anger.

"No way? where? How is she?" Fin asked, reaching for the file and flipping angrily through it.

"Olivia was she, uh?" Nick asked, not quite able to get the word out now it pertained to one of his colleagues.

"Yeah," Olivia confirmed sadly, and the anger coursing through through Fin was making him physically shake.

"Callahan's is a dive what the hell was she doing there?" Fin asked incredulously. He couldn't believe that someone had done this to Amanda.

"That doesn't matter right now," Cragen said authoritatively, "what matters is, are you two going to be able to handle running this investigation, objectively," it seemed like Cragen was being harsh, but deep down they all knew that they needed to protect the integrity of the investigation.

"Yes sir," Nick replied, and Fin nodded his head in agreement. Cragen gave them both a stern look. He knew he'd have to keep a close eye on all three of his detectives.

"This is Amanda's initial statement," Olivia said, reaching into her bag and pulling out both the tape and her notepad, "I transcribed the whole thing, but her description of the perp was hazy. I've called in a sketch artist," Olivia checked her watch, "they should be here about now,"

"Wait she's here?" Fin asked, "I wanna see her Olivia." He said, turning to walk out the door.

Olivia shook her head, "That's not a good idea right now. I'm sorry, but she specifically asked if you could give her some time," she explained, "she's not ready right now."

Fin was conflicted between needing to see how Amanda was and wanting to respect her wishes, "how is she Olivia?"

"Physically she's pretty banged up, but no serious injuries. The doctor has her on oxy but I don't know how much it's doing for her really," Olivia said, recalling the stiff and painful movements Amanda had been making all morning.

"No how is she, really?" Fin asked again.

"She's holding up pretty well all things considered," Olivia said, "she's nervy, jumpy, but I don't blame her."

Nick was the first one to snap back into business mode and he retrieved all of the files and the tape from Olivia.

"Has CSU processed the rape kit?" Nick asked.

"It was released at 4.30 this morning and I'm sure they've made a start," Olivia said, "they've been combing the alley outside the bar, you might want to start with the two eyewitnesses, names are in the file."

"Let's catch his son of a bitch," Fin said as he and Nick exited Cragen's office.

"Liv," Cragen said catching her attention as Olivia turned to leave as well, "look after her."

"I will Cap," Olivia assured him as she left and closed the door softly behind her.


	8. Chapter 8

_Hi guys I am so sorry that I haven't updated sooner, I've been in the hospital but thankfully I'm out now and back to writing. I just want to take a minute to say a sincere thank you for all the reviews you're giving me. I definitely didn't expect to have this many! You're all wonderful and thank you so much. I've made this chapter a bit longer to make up for the delay (sorry again!) please let me know what you think of it :)_

* * *

Olivia had been dismayed to find out that the sketch artist was a man, but she was grateful that she had the time to sit in with Amanda and make sure she was okay.

The brunette knocked softly on the interview room door, "Amanda it's Olivia, is it okay if we come in?"

Only when she got an affirmative response did Olivia open the door. She was careful to go in first and introduce the sketch artist, even though he was one SVU had worked with before.

"This is Michael," Olivia said softly, closing the door behind them.

"Yeah I remember," Amanda replied, her eyes briefly flicking up to look at the man.

Olivia pulled a chair round to Amanda's side of the table but before she sat down she asked if the blonde wanted her to stay.

"Please. If you don't mind," Amanda said timidly.

"Okay," Michael said, "let's start with some basics, was he Caucasian, Hispanic?"

"He was white... wait," Amanda said, "there's a photo of us, on my phone,"

"Where's your phone?" Olivia asked, she hadn't remembered Amanda having a bag at the hospital and it hadn't been logged into evidence.

"In my bag," Amanda said, before a puzzled look crossed her face, "where's my damn bag?"

"You didn't have it when you were at the hospital," Olivia said gently, knowing that Amanda's bag was either in the possession of the perp, or had been stolen. The best case scenario was that it had been found in the alley and not put in the evidence of yet but Olivia knew that that was the least likely of all the possibilities.

"I must have dropped it when…" the blonde paused, and Olivia saw the colour drain from her face, "It's got my keys and drivers licence in it," she panicked, "what if he has it?"

"Amanda it's okay. I'll get two uniforms to go over to your apartment and check it out," Olivia soothed. She could tell that Amanda was starting to panic and she gently took Amanda's hand in her own, hoping that the contact would provide some comfort.

"If he knows where I live I…I can't deal with this," Amanda sighed, putting her head in her hands. Olivia shot a glance to the sketch artists, who, to his credit was sitting quietly and minding his own business.

"We don't know that he does, it just might not have been put on the evidence log yet, I'll put in a call to CSU and get them to double check,"

"We both know the likelihood of that happening is zero," Amanda gave a bitter laugh.

Olivia's heart sank, she knew that was true. Sure, mistakes happened, but usually not when they were investigation a crime against one of their own, the dedication was second to none. She gave Amanda's hand a small squeeze, but the blonde pulled out of her grasp, wrapping her arms around herself defensively. Olivia sighed, it was hard enough to get Amanda to cooperate anyway, let alone when she was shutting down.

"Wait," Olivia said, remembering back to something she had read in the initial report, "the couple that found you, do you remember them being in the alley with you?"

"No, I just remember waking up in the hospital, why?" Amanda asked quietly.

"The EMT's reported that they didn't hang around for long, they seemed pretty anxious to leave, the only left their names after some heavy persuasion,"

"You think they have it?" Amanda asked, her face brightening slightly.

"It's a possibility," Olivia said, "Fin and Nick are on their way to interview them will you be okay for a minute while I call them?"

Amanda nodded hesitantly, her arms still wrapped around herself, "It's brown leather, there's a rip on the bottom and a key ring with my initial on it. Um… Olivia," she said quietly, "Could you still get someone to check my apartment?" Amanda asked, her face burning with embarrassment at how pathetic she sounded.

Olivia flashed Amanda a reassuring smile, "Of course. I'll just be a minute alright."

* * *

"Harry Persino, open up," Nick shouted, as he knocked on the apartment door for the third time.

"Maybe they're not home?" Fin said, shrugging his shoulders.

"Where would you be after a night of hard partying?" Nick asked.

"Fair point," Fin conceded, "wait, did you hear that?"

Nick and Fin both put their ears to the apartment door; there was definitely a shuffling sound.

"Mr Persino," Nick shouted, knocking again loudly on the door, "it's the police, open up,"

"Oh for Christ's sake," came a muttering from behind the closed door. There was the click of two locks, and then door opened. The safety chain was still on but the detectives could see the bloodshot eyes of the man they believed was Harry Persino.

"Mr Persino, I'm detective Amaro, this is detective Tutuola," Nick introduced them, showing his badge through the gap in the door.

"If this is about that chick from last night, I aint interested," he said, moving to close the door but Fin was too quick and shoved his foot in the gap to stop it from closing. He was so angry that Persino had referred to Amanda as 'that chick' and he could tell from his bloodshot eyes that he was more than just hungover.

"Doesn't matter if you're interested or not, we've got some questions about last night, and also about some property that went missing from that alleyway," Fin insisted.

Persino laughed and attempted once more to shut the door, "nah I don't think so,"

"Wrong answer big guy, we'll be back with a warrant to search for the missing property," Fin bluffed, hoping that the witness didn't know that they didn't have enough probable cause for a warrant, "We can call the ADA right now, and I'm pretty sure that when we're ripping your place apart we'll find a lot more than what we came for…can you smell that detective Amaro?"

With the door being open for so long, the smell of marijuana had wafted out from the apartment into the hallway, and both Nick and Fin knew that there would probably be more than just weed hidden in the apartment.

"I sure do detective," Nick replied, pulling out his phone, "just give me 5 minutes to talk to the ADA,"

Persino swore, then let out a long breath, "Gina baby get some clothes on we have company," he shouted, presumably to his girlfriend.

"Just some questions and the purse right?" Persino asked, narrowing his eyes at the detectives. He was backed into a corner and he knew it.

"Yeah that's right," Fin confirmed. He slid his foot back just enough so that Persino could slide the chain off and open the door.

Walking into the apartment Fin noticed Amanda's bag straight away. He checked the silver key ring hanging off the side of the bag just to make sure. It was in the shape of an 'A' just as Olivia had described to him on the phone. He let out a sigh of relief when he looked inside to see her wallet, key and most importantly her phone still present. He tapped out a quick text to let Olivia know they had recovered it.

"Yo I never touched that," Persino said, holding his hands up.

"Well how did it get in your apartment?" Nick asked, shooting him a disbelieving look.

"I swear to God that wasn't me, I called the damn ambulance man, I'm a hero,"

"But you didn't call the cops or stick around?" Nick questioned, "Some hero,"

"Why were you so anxious to leave? The EMT's said you didn't even want to give your names, is that because you stole her purse?" Fin asked angrily, squaring up to Persino. Nick touched him lightly on the shoulder, a small reminder to not get too worked up.

"I was holding, alright. I didn't wanna get searched. Just pills though, and I swear it wasn't me who took the purse, that was Gina," he babbled.

"Gina Montero, your girlfriend?" Nick asked, remembering the name from the EMT's report.

"Yeah," Persino said, "Gina get out here," he yelled in the direction of the hallway.

"Why you gotta yell all the time?" Gina said, walking into the living room, "you let the cops in, what are you stupid?" she said viciously. Turning back to Fin and Nick and seeing the bag in Fin's hands she shrugged her shoulders, "so I might have taken the bag, I didn't know it belonged to her,"

"Yeah and I line dance every Saturday morning," Fin retorted.

Gina sighed, "Okay, fine. So Harry and me we're going to the alley, to, you know," she said, with a suggestive smirk in Nick's direction. "And I trip over something and when I look down I see it's this woman you know and she was real beat up and her clothes all ripped and stuff, so I told Harry to phone 911 and I zipped her pants back up, to like give her back some of her dignity or whatever and then I saw the bag, and I just took it. It's not like I grabbed it off her, it was just lying there,"

"You stole from a woman who couldn't defend herself, you're despicable," Fin shouted.

"She could have been lying there for hours if it wasn't for us, we helped her," Gina protested.

"Yeah then you helped yourself," Fin replied angrily, "I should arrest you,"

"You said you just wanted the bag," Persino piped up, you can't arrest her,"

"Fin come on, we've got the bag, let someone else interview them later if the ADA needs more we've got the basics," Nick said quietly. He and Amanda weren't the best of friends, but he knew how serious Cragen had been about not compromising the case. The last thing they needed was to scare the witnesses off.

Fin shook his head and stormed out of the apartment.

"Don't leave town," Nick warned the pair in front of him, "we'll probably need you again,"

"Yeah whatever," Gina said with a flippant wave of her hand.

As Nick exited the apartment and closed the door behind him, he could hear Persino and Gina arguing, and he wasn't ashamed to admit it made him smile just a little bit.

"Come on let's get this phone to CSU, the quicker we have the photo of this bastard the quicker we can make an ID," Nick said, as he and Fin walked towards the elevator.

* * *

"Yeah, th-that's him," Amanda shivered, as the sketch artist showed her the final rendering of her attacker. Initially when Olivia had told her that her bag had been found with the witnesses she had fought against even trying to work with the artist but as the brunette detective had explained, they didn't know what the quality of the photo of on the phone was like, and it was important that they covered all the bases.

Amanda had been sipping water during the 45 minutes it had taken to get the drawing just right, but it hadn't helped to soothe the burning sensation in her throat from the bile that kept threatening to rise up and make her sick. She couldn't help remembering how his hands had grasped her wrists or the weight of him as he laid on top of her. The memories were hazy, but they were definitely there.

She was barely aware of Olivia having a conversation with the sketch artist or of him leaving, Amanda just knew that the room had suddenly become unbearably small, it was too hot and she couldn't breathe. She couldn't breathe because he was on top of her, pinning her down with his entire body.

"Amanda."

Amanda heard a voice calling her name that sounded far away, muffled, as if she were underwater and she flinched away violently as she felt him touch her shoulder. She flinched so violently that her entire body went rigid with pain and she snapped out of whatever place she had been in. She realised that it wasn't_ him_ who had touched her shoulder, but Olivia, who was crouched down in front of her with a concerned look on her face.

"It's okay," Olivia soothed, "you're safe."

Amanda buried her head in her hands while shame burned in her cheeks. She couldn't believe she kept panicking like this, she wished she had her emotions under control. Peeking out from behind her fingers, all Amanda could see in Olivia's eyes was empathy, not judgement, not even pity, and she knew then that what Olivia had said in the hospital was true. She'd let the nurse call Olivia and not one of the guys, because she _did_ get it. That knowledge however still didn't make it easy for her to be so vulnerable in front of Olivia, Amanda wasn't used to being vulnerable in front of anyone.

"You wanna get out of here?" Olivia asked, sensing that Amanda was just about done with being in a police station.

Still catching her breath, Amanda simply nodded. It would be good to get some fresh air.

* * *

When Olivia pulled up outside Amanda's apartment block she could see the hesitation in the blonde's body language.

"The unis came and checked out your apartment, and spoke to the super, there's been no suspicious activity at all," Olivia reassured her.

"I know it's stupid," Amanda said, shaking her head, "I just…"

"It's alright, better safe than sorry huh?" Olivia smiled, "I've got your pain meds in my bag, I think you're due some," the brunette said as she saw the pain and effort on Amanda's face from getting out of the car.

"Yeah, thanks," Amanda said, slightly relieved when Olivia got out of the car and walked with her to the entrance of the building. She didn't really want to be on her own, but Amanda also didn't want to keep asking Olivia to do things for her, she'd already done so much.

"You need to get a key?" Olivia asked as they walked to the elevator.

"No I had a spare at work," Amanda replied, holding up the small silver key. Olivia realised that Amanda must have retrieved it out of her desk while she had been talking to Cragen.

Despite knowing that the apartment was safe, Olivia's hand instinctively went to the gun at her hip as Amanda unlocked the door. Amanda let out a sigh of relief when she saw that the apartment was exactly as she had left it, including the empty vodka bottle on the coffee table. She cringed as she saw it, knowing that Olivia would see it too.

Olivia hadn't seen Amanda's apartment since she'd had to get all new furniture and appliances. Well if you could call them new. They appeared to be a mismatched set of things that somehow looked like they all belonged. The couch which dominated the living room had the puffiest cushions Olivia had ever seen and was covered with a patterned throw. As she walked in further Olivia could see through to the kitchen. There was a fridge/freezer, a coffee machine and a microwave. She guessed that Amanda hadn't gotten around to replacing the oven yet.

"Welcome to casa Rollins," Amanda said, forcing a smile, "It's nothin' grand but it does me just fine,"

"It's lovely," Olivia smiled.

"Do you want some coffee?" Amanda asked, moving towards to kitchen. Olivia didn't miss the grimace of pain on Amanda's face at even the simple act of walking and she reached into her purse for the painkillers.

"It's okay, I'll do it," Olivia said, "sit down and I'll get you a glass of water and you can take these.

Amanda, in too much pain and too tired to argue, walked over to the sofa while Olivia went into the kitchen. Even though she knew Olivia had already seen it, Amanda moved the empty bottle off of the coffee table and to the side of the sofa, out of sight. She sat down on the sofa, enjoying a relatively pain free moment as she sank down into the soft cushions.

It didn't take long for Olivia to find a glass, and the coffee in Amanda's small kitchen. It also didn't take her long to figure out that the blonde had next to no food in her apartment. There were some instant noodles in one cupboard, some mouldy bread on the counter and a corkboard full of takeaway menus. She also noticed the food and water bowl in the corner by the table and realised she hadn't seen or heard Frannie since they'd got in.

Olivia poured Amanda a glass of water and went back into the living room, "Where's Frannie?" she asked, as she handed over the water and pain killers. She wouldn't say it out loud, but Amanda looked absolutely exhausted. Olivia wasn't sure she looked any better herself.

"Doggy day care," Amanda said, before swallowing the pills and for a second Olivia thought she was joking. "I'm being serious," she explained, seeing the look on Olivia's face, "when we're getting slammed or really busy with court it's not fair to leave her here on her own. It's like day care but for dogs. I've been at the precinct so much the past week she's been boarding there."

"I could go and pick her up for you? I bet she's missing her mom," Olivia offered, wondering if Amanda would feel safer if she had Frannie here with her.

"Thank you but it's probably best if she stays for a couple of days, I'm not gonna be able to give her the walks she needs," Amanda explained.

Olivia shook her head, she hadn't even thought of that, "I'm sorry, I just thought…"

"It's okay," Amanda said sadly, "I know."

The smell of fresh coffee filtered through to the living room and pulled Olivia's attention back to the kitchen. By the time she came back to the living room with two steaming mugs of coffee Amanda had switched on the TV and had settled on the end of the sofa as comfortably as she could. A rerun of an old quiz show was on and Amanda's eyes were looking at the flickering screen but Olivia knew she wasn't watching it. She also knew from the way that Amanda had positioned herself, leaving space for Olivia to sit, that the blonde wanted her to stay but didn't know how to ask. Olivia understood that; feeling vulnerable is one thing, but admitting it is another thing entirely.

Olivia set the mug down on the table by Amanda and settled on the other end of the couch and tried to get interested in the quiz show, but like Amanda, she wasn't really watching it. She knew Amanda didn't want to talk right now, the way she was turned away slightly and the silent nod when she'd put the coffee on the table told her that much. But Olivia wished she would talk, she knew how harmful it was to keep things festering inside. Maybe she'd try once Amanda had rested a bit, they'd both slept terribly.

Before the show had even finished, Olivia looked over and saw that Amanda's eyes had closed and her breathing was steady and even. She was grateful that the blonde had been able to drop off relatively quickly, she definitely needed the sleep. Draining the last of her coffee, Olivia stood up and tucked the throw from her side of the sofa around Amanda.

She took her mug and Amanda's untouched coffee into the kitchen. Olivia had had every intention of calling the precinct and finding out how Fin and Nick were getting on with the case but she glanced back and saw Amanda asleep on the sofa, the caffeine had done absolutely nothing for her and she was exhausted. Olivia left the mugs in the sink and went back to the sofa, this time curling up into the soft cushions and letting sleep claim her.


	9. Chapter 9

_**Hi guys, thank you so so much for the reviews. I've had many lovely one that tell me a lot about what you're enjoying in the chapters and as a thankyou i decided to do another long chapter for you. Your reviews really do inspire me to keep going and I love hearing what you have to say. Also regarding the pace of the story, please tell me if you think it is too slow or long winded. i just want to show how Olivia is helping Amanda through this but if it is boring you please let me know. here's chapter 9, I hope you enjoy it.**_

_**WARNING: mentions of a non consensual encounter in the first half of this chapter. It's not graphic but thought I'd put a warning on anyway.**_

* * *

_Amanda hated getting dressed up for things. She always had. Much more comfortable in jeans and shirts, having to put on a dress and high heels was almost torture. She'd been to the bathroom three times to reapply the false lashes that seemed insistent on peeling off and Amanda wondered how women put up with that crap every day. Normally she wouldn't have been seen dead at an event like this but she'd agreed to go to help out a buddy of her partners._

_It was only after she had answered her partners plea for help that she had realised who she would be attending the charity ball with._

_Lieutenant Peter Brixton. Former college quarterback star, son of the deputy chief of police and the biggest asshole on the force. Or so she had heard from some of her friends. Sure he was incredibly attractive but he definitely knew it, and he loved to talk about himself. Amanda had been dreading the event for days, but, knowing she couldn't pull out had decided to pull out all the stops to make sure she would fit in with the other women that would be attending._

_Despite some initial awkwardness after Peter had spent a little too long admiring her dress, the actual event wasn't too bad, the food was good, the speeches were short and there was enough free alcohol to make the constant stories about his glory days in college bearable._

_And after a while the conversation had become more than just bearable, Amanda found herself laughing at his jokes and smiling back when he grinned at her, sure he was a bit full of himself, but she wondered just what he had done for people to label him an asshole._

_After her third glass of champagne, Amanda had even accepted Peter's request for a dance, something which she rarely did in public. At the beginning of the evening, Amanda had been fully intending on getting a taxi back to hers, but somehow at the end of the event she'd gotten into a black limo with Peter and they'd been driven off, the fancy conference centre becoming just tiny lights in the distance._

_His first kisses had been gentle and Amanda had twisted slightly in the leather seat to reciprocate. She had heard the driver chuckle heartily before he turned his attention back to the road._

_At Peter's hotel room he had left Amanda sitting on the huge king sized bed, and gone into the bathroom to 'freshen up'. As she watched him walk into the adjoining en suite Amanda finally had a chance to think about what she was doing. Sure he was good looking, and she was attracted to him, but he was still in uniform, she was a plain clothes detective, not to mention who his father was. It just wouldn't look good, and she just knew she would come out looking worse._

_"Peter," Amanda called just as he was walking out of the bathroom._

_"Chill baby I'm here," he said as he strutted over to the bed. Stripped down to his boxers and clearly proud of himself, he flashed Amanda a wide grin as he grabbed her by the shoulders and moved her easily up the bed before she even had a chance to say anything else._

_"Now where were we?" He said, as he began to trail kisses up Amanda's neck up to her jaw. Amanda tried to relax, tried to tell herself that this would really be okay, that she wasn't making a mistake but she wasn't drink enough to willing only make a bad decision like this, not even close to being drunk enough._

_He was holding himself up over her so Amanda brought her hand up and rested her palm on his chest, hoping to slow him down._

_"Peter," she said again, starting to feel constricted by his proximity to her._

_"You've got too many clothes on Mandy," he whispered in her ear as his hand trailed up under the hem of her dress, pushing it up roughly._

_Amanda's heart started hammering in her chest, not from arousal, but from panic. He wasn't listening to her, she had to get him to listen._

_"Peter stop," Amanda said forcefully, placing her other palm on his chest in an attempt to push him away a little bit._

_"Fine if you don't want any teasing we can get straight to it," he said with a smirk._

_Amanda pushed with all of her strength but it was still a futile attempts as all it did was push him up a little off her._

_"This is a mistake," Amanda said, attempting to move further up the bed and away from him._

_Peter laughed into her neck, before he pulled back and stared at her._

_"You are kidding me right?"_

_"No, just think about it Peter, this isn't a good move for either of us,"  
Amanda said, and she just wished he would get off of her._

_"You've teased me all night, come back to my hotel room and now you wanna change your mind, I don't think so," Peter snarled, his demeanour suddenly changing. Amanda didn't recognise the man above her as the same one who had slowly charmed her all evening. Anger clouded over in his eyes as he grabbed Amanda's wrists, and laid his full weight on top of her._

_"Peter please don't," Amanda pleaded. She was panicking now, Peter had over 100 pounds over her and she has absolutely no advantage from this position. She tried kicking her legs but he was too heavy,_

_"No one jerks me around," he whispered cruelly in her ear before he bit a tender spot on her neck viciously. The sharp pain caused her to cry out and she struggled against him again, though he held her easily._

_"Relax Mandy, this could be so much worse, you're in a nice suite at an expensive hotel, what more do you want?"_

_"Not this," Amanda replied with all the defiance she could muster. Instinctively she prepared herself for a slap or punch but it never came. Instead Peter painfully grasped both of her wrists with one hand and let the other hand travel back down to the hem of her dress. He continued pushing it up, raising his body off of Amanda slightly to get access. Amanda took this opportunity to pull in a deep, unrestricted lungful of air but the relief was short lived when he laid back atop her._

_Amanda gagged when she felt his arousal pressing into her bare stomach. She couldn't believe this was actually happening, everything she had learned about self defence seemed to seep out of her brain, he was far too strong anyway._

_"Please don't do this, please," Amanda begged, but Peter wasn't listening anymore. The weight of his body seemed to multiply and force the air out of her lungs._

"No Peter... stop...stop,"

Amanda's frantic mumblings pulled Olivia out of a deep and dreamless sleep. Disorientated for a moment the brunette soon realised she was in Amanda's apartment and she shook her head to try and get rid of the sleep induced haze that was fogging her brain. A quick glance to the window showed an overcast late afternoon sky and Olivia was shocked they had slept so long.

Another desperate plea from Amanda pulled Olivia's attention back to the blonde and she immediately knew she was having a nightmare. The blanket Olivia had pulled around the sleeping woman was caught around Amanda's feet and she was desperately trying to kick it off.

Olivia got off the couch and knelt by the side of the couch, far enough away from Amanda's legs so she wouldn't get kicked.

"Amanda," she said firmly but calmly, "it's okay, it's not real, Amanda it's okay,"

"Stop... Peter...please," Amanda mumbled.

_Who the hell is Peter?_ Olivia found herself thinking, as Amanda continued to thrash around on the couch. She placed her hand gently on Amanda's shoulder and shook her lightly, hoping that it would help to wake her. Olivia rightly guessed that the contact would panic the blonde but it did wake her up.

Amanda sat up suddenly, her eyes wide with terror and her entire body trembling. She pushed Olivia's hand off her shoulder and for a moment it appeared to the brunette that Amanda was still half caught in her nightmare.

"It's me, it's Olivia," the brunette said quietly, "I'm not gonna hurt you," she soothed, but she refrained from touching Amanda again.

"We're in your apartment, you fell asleep on the couch and you had a bad dream but you're safe, okay," Olivia kept reassuring Amanda softly, trying to talk her down from her panicked state.

"Olivia?" Amanda said, her eyes finally seeming to focus on the woman in front of her.

"Yeah honey it's just me," Olivia replied, letting out a small sigh of relief.

Amanda looked at Olivia and saw she had the same look of concern she'd had on her face earlier in the interview room. Once again Olivia had saved her from the haunting of her demons. All of Amanda's senses were on high alert and her heart was hammering in her chest. She hadn't had that particular nightmare for over two years and it crushed her to learn that her mind had remembered every hideous detail.

She could tell that Olivia was either going to hug her or try and make her talk and Amanda didn't want either of those things. She just needed some time on her own to gather her thoughts.

Amanda stood up, gasping at the sharp pain the action sent ripping through her ribs but she didn't stop. She just had to get away from the inquisitive brown eyes that were now looking at her quizzically.

"I need a shower," Amanda called over her shoulder as she stumbled to her bedroom, leaving a confused Olivia sitting on the living room floor.

* * *

As soon as Amanda shut the bathroom door behind her she leaned against it, her palms flat to the wood as she tried to calm herself down. She knew Olivia had questions, and she felt bad for just running out on her after everything the brunette had done for her but Amanda just needed to get rid of the feeling of him on her skin, she hated that even after all this time he still had the power to make her feel like this. Somewhere in the rational part of her mind, Amanda knew that the only reason she'd started dreaming about that again was because of her more recent assault, but the cruel unfairness of the same thing happening twice just made her want to scrub her skin even more raw.

She turned the shower to the highest temperature she thought the could stand and, avoiding seeing her reflection at all, stripped the borrowed clothes from her body and stepped into the steaming water.

* * *

Olivia sat quietly for a few minutes, wondering what to do. She guessed that the last thing Amanda wanted was to be followed, considering the hasty exit she'd made but Olivia also knew that she couldn't just leave the blonde alone. She settled for putting the cushions and throw back on to the sofa, restoring it to it's usual neatness. As she walked to the kitchen to make some more coffee she could hear the shower running and she hoped that Amanda was okay. Well as okay as she could be.

As much as Olivia wanted to help Amanda, this whole situation was bringing up some unwanted memories for herself. Memories that she could usually keep under wraps when she was dealing with a normal victim. But Amanda wasn't a normal victim and this was hitting very close to home for Olivia. She understood why Amanda's moods were all over the place and she had been in that same terrifying place of vulnerability, twice now but that didn't mean she automatically knew what to do to help the blonde. People responded to different things and Amanda had such a hard time trusting anyone at all that Olivia was fighting an uphill battle from the start. Still, she wasn't about to give up, currently, she was the only one Amanda was even talking to and she had to keep trying to help her.

Olivia's stomach grumbled and startled her out of her mind back to the present. Glancing at the clock on the wall she realised it was almost 4pm. She hadn't eaten anything since 7, no wonder she was hungry. She remembered the takeout menus on the cork board and picked out a Chinese one. Olivia didn't know if Amanda would even be hungry but she hadn't eaten much at breakfast and Chinese was her favourite so Olivia decided to just order Amanda's usual sweet and sour chicken and hoped it would go down well.

* * *

After what seemed like an eternity in the steaming water Amanda finally felt calm enough to function. The continuous beating of the water had knocked a sense of numb detachedness into her and she was a little surprised to notice the remains of a little white bandage in the bottom of the shower. She realised it had come from her cheek and though it wasn't painful, her fingers came away slightly bloody when she touched the gash. She rinsed the blood off of her hands and turned off the shower, shivering as the steam dissipated.

As she wrapped herself in a towel Amanda looked down at the discarded clothes with disgust. She didn't even want to touch them, it was as if he had reached out of her dream and soiled them. If they were her own she would just have thrown them away but they were Olivia's and Amanda knew they needed washing instead. She hoped Olivia wouldn't miss the shirt and sweat pants for a couple of days, she knew she wasn't up to lugging laundry down to the basement to wash it. Avoiding her reflection against Amanda switched the light off and, stepping over the offending garments she went back into her bedroom.

Amanda picked her clothes carefully. She didn't want anything that would remind her of Atlanta and she needed something that would cover the ugly bruises on her arms, she couldn't bear to look at them. Settling on a pair of old sweatpants and an oversized NYPD hoody she got dressed, pausing every now and then let her body stop protesting with every movement she made. Despite the soothing heat of the water, she was sore all over and Amanda realised she'd completely missed her next dose of painkillers She was surprised she had slept for as long as she had but she put it down to sheer exhaustion.

Amanda stood awkwardly in her bedroom for a moment, she knew that Olivia would still be outside waiting for her, and that the brunette would be full of questions that she didn't want to answer. She didn't know how much information Olivia had gotten from the nightmare, if any at all but not knowing just made Amanda feel even more vulnerable. She briefly considered just going out there and telling Olivia to leave, that she'd be okay on her own but she knew deep down inside that Olivia wouldn't leave, she was as stubborn as Amanda herself was. Taking a deep breath she left the bedroom and went back down the hall to find Olivia.

"Hey," Amanda said as she entered the living room. She cringed at how shaky her voice sounded.

"Hey," Olivia smiled, before her eyes narrowed as Amanda came into her full view, "Amanda your cheek," she said, jumping up from the couch and crossing over to Amanda in just a few steps.

"Oh," came Amanda's simple reply, she had forgotten all about the missing bandage and hadn't noticed the cut was still oozing blood, "it's fine," she said, waving Olivia away.

"It's not," Olivia replied, "sit down for a minute, where's your first aid kit? It needs a fresh bandage at least,"

Amanda was about to protest that she could do it herself but she saw the determined look on Olivia's face she just relented, she didn't want to fight.

"In the cupboard under the sink," she informed the brunette as she sank back down on to the couch. She noticed that it was all back the way it should have been, and she blushed slightly as she thought of Olivia tidying up after her. Amanda sighed, she hated being so dependant on Olivia, especially with the way she had treated her the past couple of days but at the same time she was so grateful she wasn't alone.

Olivia returned swiftly, carrying not only Amanda's rarely used first aid kit but also a glass of water and two tablets, which the blonde accepted gratefully.

"I hope you don't mind, but I ordered some Chinese food," Olivia told Amanda as she sat next to her on the couch, "sweet and sour chicken right?"

Amanda forced a small smile. She really wasn't feeling hungry, but she appreciated what Olivia was trying to do, and she was touched that the brunette had remembered her favourite meal, "that sounds good," she said, "I don't know how much I'll eat, but thank you," she added, wanting to let Olivia know ahead of time that she wasn't feeling up to much food.

"I'm so hungry, it was more for my benefit," Olivia quipped lightly, pulling another small, but this time genuine smile from Amanda. "I'm just gonna clean this up a bit alright?" Olivia made sure to ask before she put her hands any where near Amanda's face, ever mindful of triggering a bad memory.

"Ok," Amanda agreed, nodding her head slightly.

Olivia unwrapped the alcohol wipe from its packet and observed the stitches before she started to clean the wound. She was no expert but after having her fair share of stitches over the years she could see that although the warm water had loosened the stitches slightly, causing the bleeding, but they were still in place and would probably be okay.

"Sorry," Olivia apologised, as the wipe made contact with Amanda's skin. Amanda bit her lip and stayed quiet, but Olivia could tell it was hurting her. She hated that she was causing Amanda more pain, even though she knew it had to be done. Olivia went as quickly as she could, finishing up by placing a new white bandage over the now clean wound.

"Thank you," Amanda said, as Olivia cleared away the wrappers.

"No problem," Olivia smiled.

By the time Olivia got back from the trash can Amanda had turned the TV on again. Olivia knew that this was a distraction tactic but she needed to talk to Amanda about what had happened earlier. She reached for the remote, and switched the TV off and was met with an indignant look from Amanda.

"We need to talk for a minute,"Olivia said and Amanda began to panic. This is what she had been afraid of.

"About what?" Amanda asked, struggling to keep her voice calm.

"The man you met at the casino, the one who attacked you, you said his name was Stephen," Olivia said gently, knowing that remembering the details of the attack could cause Amanda to get worked up, and she didn't want her to have another panic attack.

"Yeah that's right," Amanda replied quietly, she already knew where this was going.

"Earlier, when you were dreaming, you said another name," Olivia explained, and Amanda turned her head away from the brunette's intense gaze. Amanda knew that this would come up eventually, only a little bit of digging into Amanda's personnel file would have revealed it, but it didn't make it any easier.

"Amanda who's Peter?" Olivia asked gently.

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_**Tiny cliffhanger! Sorry guys, but it seemed like a good place to end , please review and let me know what you think as this is my first story after all! Thanks for reading!**_


	10. Chapter 10

_Hi guys, I honestly can't believe how many reviews I have for this story you are all awesome. I really, really do appreciate them. So I decided to do another long chapter, its just Amanda and Olivia again because there seemed to be a general opinion that you liked that. There will be some more of the case coming up and some Amanda/Fin friendship scenes but for just know I'm having fun writing Amanda and Olivia's friendship. Once again thank you SO MUCH for the reviews I absolutely love reading them and they spur me on to write more, it would be lovely if the people leaving guest reviews could sign their names then I know who they're from :) Here's chapter 10. Lily x_

**_tw: there's a description of rape in this chapter, it's not overly graphic, but a warning anyway._**

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"Amanda, who's Peter?" Olivia asked gently.

The blood rushed to Amanda's head as she heard Olivia's question. Her blood was pounding in her ears and an uncomfortable feeling of panic rose in her chest. So Olivia had heard something. And now she as asking about it and Amanda was so conflicted about what she wanted to do. She wanted to push Olivia away, she wanted to tell her to get out and stop nosing around in her business. She didn't want to reveal yet another thing that would expose her as weaker and more vulnerable, more stupid than she ready looked but she also wanted to pour her heart out to the older woman, to take the comfort she knew that Olivia would give her. And Olivia had already given so much that Amanda didn't feel she deserved.

Olivia, seeing the internal struggle play out on Amanda's face, moved slightly closer to her and let her hand rest gently on her shoulder.

"It's okay, Amanda. It's just you and me here," she reassured, her tone gentle and soothing.

"That's the problem," Amanda whispered so quietly that Olivia almost didn't catch what she said.

"Why's that a problem?" Olivia asked softly.

"You've already done too much I-"

"Stop," Olivia cut in, "I wouldn't be here unless I wanted to be, I told you that," she said, giving Amanda's shoulder a slight squeeze before she moved to hold Amanda's hand in her own, "what's going on, talk to me,"

"Y-you've seen me, it's too much. I know it's stupid but I just feel so..." Amanda babbled, ending her sentence with a sigh when she realised she couldn't voice her feelings out loud.

"Vulnerable," Olivia said quietly, finishing her sentence for her.

Pulling her hand out of Olivia's loose grip, Amanda wrapped her arms around herself. It was a defensive pose Olivia had become very familiar with since that morning. She knew it meant the blonde was attempting to shut herself off but Olivia knew she needed to try and keep her talking.

Amanda sighed and closed her eyes. She wished it wasn't this hard. Olivia was there, doing everything she could think of to make this easier for her, and she knew the brunette had been through something similar, that she understood but Amanda just couldn't do it, it was so hard for her to trust people, it was a miracle she'd let Olivia in this much.

The blonde stood up and walked towards the door, intent on making Olivia leave her apartment, on telling her to just read her personnel file, that she would find the information she wanted in there. But she stopped as she reached the door handle. She knew if Olivia read that file she'd be swallowing the pack of lies the deputy chief had made sure would be there, no, if Olivia was going to find out, she had to know the truth. And the truth was something Amanda had become terrified to tell.

Olivia had realised what Amanda was doing as the blonde had gotten up, she was going to shut her out, to tell her to go away. Olivia had realised she needed to do something drastic in order to gain Amanda's trust but she wasn't even sure that she could. But as she saw Amanda falter by the door, as she saw the struggle the younger woman was having with herself she decided to just rip off the band aid.

"I was raped," Olivia said quietly and the words felt foreign to her as she spoke them. She'd only ever said it once, revealing the details to her therapist 3 months after the assault at Sealview, and she hadn't said them since.

Amanda whirled around, clutching at her ribs as they protested against the sudden movement. Shock and confusion evident on her face, she started to speak, her words coming out urgently. "But I thought, you said he didn't, Olivia I can't..."

Seeing the panic and guilt on Amanda's face, Olivia realised the blonde thought she was referring to her recent abduction. Olivia stood up on surprisingly shaky legs and crossed the room to where Amanda was standing. Amanda had never spoken about it but Olivia knew the blonde blamed herself for what had happened.

"Not Lewis," Olivia reassured her, hoping that it would alleviate some of Amanda's panic. It hadn't been Olivia's intention to work Amanda up even more than she already was, "he didn't, I promise,"

Olivia slipped her arm around Amanda's rigid shoulders and coaxed her into moving back towards the couch. After sitting Amanda down she joined her. Olivia knew she had to finish telling her story and she prayed that it would help Amanda to trust her like she had imagined it would, but at this point Olivia wasn't sure of anything.

"It happened when I was undercover at a woman's prison," Olivia started to explain.

Amanda looked up, confusion clouding her blue eyes. She'd heard the story when she'd first transferred, and not being one for gossip had asked Fin about it so that she could be sure she wasn't getting some sensationalised water cooler version of events.

"But Fin..."

"He'd, uh, he'd finished, just as Fin got there," Olivia revealed, forcing the words out past the thick lump in her throat.

"I told Fin he had interrupted, that nothing had happened. No one else knows," Olivia said, blinking back tears and suddenly worried, she waited for Amanda to get angry, to ask her why Olivia had pushed her so hard at the hospital when she didn't report herself. It would have been a justified reaction. But Amanda didn't get angry.

Olivia felt a surprisingly warm hand grasp on to hers and when she looked up she found Amanda furiously blinking back her own tears. They were kind of the same, Olivia realised. Both stubborn as hell, both overly dependant on themselves, both averse to letting anyone behind their carefully crafted walls. She realised that this was why they butted heads too often, because they were so alike.

"I'm so sorry that happened to you," Amanda said hoarsely, her voice thick with emotion. She knew it had taken a lot out of Olivia to reveal that and Amanda knew it had been for her benefit.

Olivia nodded, not quite sure how to respond to Amanda's words. She was supposed to be comforting the blonde, not the other way around. She sat a little straighter, but still held on to to Amanda's offered hand.

"It was a long time ago, I had therapy," Olivia explained and she saw Amanda flinch as she remembered her earlier comment. Olivia didn't bring it up, as far as she was concerned that was water under the bridge.

"And it helped, but the reason I pushed you so hard at the hospital is because I understand what it's like when you haven't got a chance in hell to bring the bastard to justice, when you can't even try to," Olivia said, "but I'm sorry I pushed you tonight, it wasn't my right to ask you about something you didn't chose to reveal to me," she apologised.

Olivia sat back, letting Amanda process what she had just said. She could see the concentration on Amanda's face as she thought it all over, Olivia could see her chewing the inside of her cheek, something she'd observed the blonde doing when she was trying to find leads on a hopeless case.

"No, I-I should tell you," Amanda finally said. It needed to come out anyway, and she knew it was going to be better coming from her first hand, and if she couldn't even talk to Olivia, after all the brunette had trusted her with, how was she supposed to talk to the ADA, to the grand jury?

"I, um, well, you'll find out eventually, it's in my file," Amanda said shakily, "but I want to tell you what really happened,"

Olivia nodded, keeping quiet. She didn't want to rush Amanda, not now she was opening up. She sensed hesitation in the blonde, even now and squeezed Amanda's hand, now back to being the comforter, not the comforted.

"No one believed me," Amanda admitted, her face screwing up as she remembered and Olivia's heart went out to her, "not even my partner, only my captain did, but there was nothing he could do,"

"I believe you," Olivia said firmly and Amanda shook her head sadly.

"I haven't even told you yet," Amanda said, "you might change your mind," she continued, as if she were preparing herself for Olivia to brush her off like everyone else had.

"You don't dream like you did about things that didn't happen," Olivia said, remembering her own hideous nightmares, the months she'd spent screaming herself awake, "just take your time honey there's no rush,"

Amanda let out a long sigh, "it was 3 years ago, my partner set me up with one of his buddies for a charity ball. I didn't really wanna go but it was a favour for a friend. When I found out who it was I was going with I didn't wanna go even more. Peter Brixton had a reputation for being an asshole. Also the deputy chief's son," Amanda explained.

Olivia kept quiet, choosing to let Amanda tell the story at her own pace, but she couldn't help but notice how she flinched at the sound of the guys name.

"But I went anyway, played the part, enjoyed the free bar. But I wasn't drunk. Not that drunk," Amanda said automatically, defending herself against a judgement she knew in her heart she wasn't going to get from Olivia.

"I started to enjoy his company and we were flirty and at the end of the night I went back with him in his car to his hotel room," Amanda closed her eyes and sighed. She knew how this sounded, and it was only going to get worse. She didn't dare look at Olivia as she began to speak again.

"I kissed him, willingly, in the car. The driver saw. He was the first person they interviewed and after that they'd made up their minds as to who was telling the truth,"

"Hey," Olivia said softly, knowing she couldn't stay silent while Amanda was already blaming herself, "kissing someone does not equal consent. Neither does going back to their hotel room. Amanda, look at me," she commanded gently, waiting until the blonde made eye contact, "you know that, right? It wasn't your fault,"

"I know," Amanda said, but Olivia could see the guilt in her eyes. Amanda had been shafted by so many of the people that were supposed to have her back that she felt guilty for protesting her innocence.

"It was fine until we got back to the hotel and then while he was in the bathroom I had a bit of time to gather my thoughts, I'd sobered up a bit more. I realised it was gonna look bad, he was still in uniform and with who his dad was, it was just gonna be a mess," Amanda carried on telling the story, knowing that if she stopped for too long she'd lose her nerve. She had to finish it now.

"I should'a just left, but I stayed, I wanted to explain but if I'd just left..." Amanda sighed, "he came out and just threw me on the bed. I hadn't said anything yet so he didn't know, he wasn't rough, not then. He carried on and I kept trying to get his attention," Amanda paused, sucking in shaky breath and she looked at the woman sat next to her. She saw the empathy in her brown eyes and not a single ounce of judgment.

"I don't think he realised what I was trying to say, not at first, but I panicked and I said we should stop, that it was a mistake and then his whole demeanour just changed. He was angry, said I'd teased him. I guess I did," Amanda shrugged and she pulled her hand out of Olivia's and wrapped her arms around herself, "I struggled a bit at first, but he had a hundred pounds over me, at least. He was pinning me down with his weight and he kept saying how it could be worse,"

"Amanda..."

"The nurse at the hospital commented on how uninjured I was, for 'someone who said they'd been raped'. She said that it could be worse. He didn't beat me Olivia, but he didn't have to, I didn't fight him, not really, I don't know why I didn't,"

"People react differently to trauma, it's like firing a gun, you can train and prepare for it, but when that moment comes, it's always different, sometimes you hesitate, sometimes you don't. You can't beat yourself up about how you reacted in an impossible situation, that's not fair," Olivia explained. She'd heard so many women and men have this struggle with themselves and she knew that however much someone said not to, it was impossible not to analyse your reaction. Olivia knew, she'd been there.

"That was how they shot down my story, they made me look like some whore who regretted sleeping with a colleague and was out for revenge. I had bruises on my wrists but he said I liked it kinky, that I'd begged him to hold me like that" Amanda said angrily, "and they believed him, his dad made sure of that."

Olivia bit her lip. She was disgusted at Atlanta PDs treatment of Amanda but she knew that getting angry now wouldn't achieve anything. What Amanda needed was someone to listen, to believe her.

"The rape kit just backed up his story. All they found was evidence of rough sex, inconclusive for forced intercourse," Amanda said, and she shook her head.

"Rape exams are subjective Amanda, and it sounds like the nurse was already wrongly doubtful of your story. And even if she wasn't biased it can still be human error," Olivia tried to explain and she looped her around around Amanda's tense shoulders in an attempt to bring her some comfort.

"Don't," Amanda protested, twisting out of Olivia's half embrace and standing up. She went over to the window and leaned her forehead against the cool glass, "don't try and explain that away. He knew what he was doing, he made sure there'd be no doubt."

"Rape is still rape even if they weren't rough, you said no, he still went ahead. That's rape Amanda and it's not your fault," Olivia said desperately and she was even more confused when Amanda shook her head.

"He was rough, he did hurt me, just not enough for it to show," the blonde sighed and looked out over the rapidly darkening city, "he used his fingers first, 'to get me ready'. I was so frightened Olivia I didn't even realise what was happening until it happened," Amanda forced back a sob at the memory and brought her hand up to trace random patterns in the condensation on the window, desperately trying to stop herself from completely breaking down.

"You had an orgasm," Olivia said sadly, realising what Amanda meant. This was one of the hardest things she'd seen rape victims have to deal with, and that, combined with how Amanda had been made to feel explained the blonde's bone deep guilt over the incident.

"I didn't want to, I swear, I had no control over it and he was laughin' at me, telling me that he knew I wanted it really, that was his proof. I've never felt more disgusting in my life," Amanda admitted, sniffling. She was about to lose her battle with the tears she was currently holding back.

"That's an involuntary bodily response, that does not mean you wanted it, in any way,"

"I read the literature," Amanda sniped, "it doesn't stop me feeling how I feel. Even though I know I said no, that I struggled, a part of me still wonders if he was right, I've never stopped doubting myself, I can't believe I let this happen again," Amanda admitted, and she crumbled at the words that came out of her mouth. An anguished sob tore from her throat and she curled her hands into fists against the glass. She was shaking from the effort of holding back her tears.

Olivia knew she couldn't just leave the distressed woman standing there but every other time she'd offered comfort Amanda had shrugged it off. Whether she was afraid of breaking down or if the blonde thought she didn't deserve it Olivia didn't know, but right now she had nothing else to offer. Olivia knew words alone would be futile, empty.

Moving slowly Olivia got up from the couch and walked over to where Amanda was standing.

"Amanda," she called softly but the blonde didn't turn around. Tentatively she put her hand on Amanda's shoulder. She felt the younger woman tense under her touch but she didn't pull away. Slowly, Olivia moved her hand, looping her arms around Amanda's waist, not too tightly, aware of her broken ribs. Olivia rested her head lightly on Amanda's shoulder and whispered in her ear when she felt the blonde begin to pull away from her embrace.

"Don't fight me, just relax, you're okay honey," Olivia soothed. She could see Amanda's unsure and anguished expression in the darkened window. She was trying so hard to hold it together.

"I wish that I could but I can't change what happened, or how you're feeling but I want you to know that I believe you, and you are not to blame for any of this," Olivia said sincerely.

Amanda brought her hands down from the window and for a moment Olivia thought she was going to struggle but instead the blond wrapped her arms over Olivia's making her tighten her grip just a little. Olivia felt some of the tension leave Amanda's body as she began to cry and as she saw the tears rolling down the blonde's cheeks in the window her heart broke a little bit more.

"I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere," Olivia whispered, as she held the crying woman, "I'm right here."

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_Thank you so much for reading! Please review :)_


	11. Chapter 11

_Hi guys! Once again I am so overwhelmed by the lovely reviews I've gotten for this story. I never expected this to grow so big but your comments just make me want to write more and more! It's so nice having names to put to the guest reviews thank you so much for doing that it just makes it a bit more personal. I know it's been a couple of days since my last update and I wish I could update faster but unfortunately life gets in the way :( still, to say thanks for the lovely long reviews I've written a 4000 words chapter. I hope you enjoy it and please leave a review. Thanks for stI long with my story!_

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"Have we got an ID on this guy?" Cragen asked as he joined Fin and Nick in the bullpen.

"We got a pretty decent photo of him from Amanda's cell phone," Nick said, holding up a slightly grainy printout. He grimaced as he looked at it. Amanda was draped over the guy like she'd known him her whole life. Amanda looked happy and comfortable but Nick could see how his arm was possessively wrapped around her shoulder.

"TARU ran it through the drivers license database and came up with one match," Fin explained, pinning the printout of the license on the board, "Stephen Wentworth,"

"Why do I know that name?" Cragen asked, scrutinising the photo fin had pinned up.

"He just took over as the director of Wentworth and Sons brokerage. Married, two kids and absolutely nothing on his record. He's squeaky clean," Fin reeled off the information as he read from the file he'd put together.

"What's a guy like that doing in little backstreet haunts?" Nick mused. The guy was ridiculously wealthy, prestigious, someone that shouldn't normally be seen dead in the places he'd been in the previous night.

"The guy's just come into a lot of money, maybe he's blowing it somewhere he won't get noticed, look how he's dressed in that picture," Fin pointed to the photo, where there suspect was dressed in a scruffy leather jacket, his face unshaven, "no ones gonna think this guy is one of New Yorks richest men,"

"The fact remains is that he IS one of New York's richest men, if we go after him it's gonna have to be airtight, we can't afford mistakes here," Cragen said with a deep sigh, "I know Amanda was with this guy for a lot of the night, but is she absolutely sure that he was the one who attacked her?" Cragen asked with a raised eyebrow. He knew it would draw a reaction from Amanda's partner, but as he'd said right from the beginning, they had I play this one by the book.

"It's right there in her statement Cap," Fin snapped, immediately jumping to the defense of his partner. "He's the guy she described to Olivia and the forensic artist. She named him,"

Nick flipped through the file containing the results of Amanda's rape kit. Neither Fin or himself had brought themselves to go through it yet but they both knew the inevitable was coming. He passed as quickly as he could through the multiple pictures of her injuries until he got to the page he needed.

"Fin, her blood alcohol at the hospital was .29, the Cap's right, we need to cover all our bases before we go to the ADA for a warrant," Nick said, wincing. He knew it sounded like he didn't trust Amanda's statement.

"Oh so we're gonna call Olivia and get her to question Amanda again, tell her we don't believe her because she had a drink? No man I'm not doing that. She's my partner, I've got her back," Fin admonished, a mask of disbelief on his face. Deep down he knew that they should be covering all the bases, but his first instinct was to protect his partner.

"Fin I'm sorry but if you can't approach this objectively I'm going to have to take you off the case," Cragen said, and as Fin looked into the older man's eyes he knew he was being serious.

"No, look I'm sorry, I'm just frustrated," Fin admitted. Cragen have him a curt nod, agreeing for now but still letting Fin know that he would be watching closely.

"Right what we need is the security tapes from outside the bar, see if they have one in the alley, and witness statements from the bartender and anyone who may have talked to the pair," Cragen instructed, "we need to put together a timeline of events to make sure they match up with Amanda's,"

Fin bristled at Cragen's last comment but he kept his mouth shut and Nick shot him a sympathetic look, "we do have to go over Amanda's statement again, why don't you go talk to her and I'll head over to Callahan's and her started there?" Nick offered. He knew that a large part of Fin's frustration was coming from not having actually seen Amanda yet. He'd felt the same way during Olivia's abduction and he sympathised with the older detective.

"Liv said she wasn't ready," Fin replied, torn between wanting to go and see his partner and wanting to respect her need for space.

"She's had some time to rest, to calm down a little. Why not just go and see and if not come and join me at the bar?" Nick offered, as he handed Fin the file with Amanda's original statement in.

"That's not a bad idea Nick," Cragen added. Even though he'd told Olivia she would be the one who'd be dealing directly Amanda, the captain wondered if maybe Fin would be more focused when he'd seen and spoken to Amanda, "I'll give Olivia a heads up, they went back to Amanda's apartment," he informed, "I'll make sure anything else CSU finds is rushed here for when you get back," Cragen said before he turned to go back to his office.

"Thanks Cap," Fin called before he turned to leave himself.

"Hey Fin," Nick said, reaching to catch the other detective's arm, "just let her know..." Nick struggled to find the right words, "make sure she's okay,"

"I will man," Fin replied.

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Amanda had stopped crying a while ago, exhausted from the effort of her tears but Olivia had kept holding her, not that she really had any choice because Amanda's arms were still wrapped over her own, keeping her in place. She didn't mind though, Olivia was grateful that Amanda was finding comfort in it, that she was reaching out and trusting her. Olivia sighed sadly at thought of what Amanda had had to go through. The recent events were bad enough but the things she had been carrying around with her were awful too. Olivia berated herself for not pursuing things when Amanda had first disclosed to her two years ago. Maybe then this wouldn't have happened. Olivia had suspected where was a reason to Amanda's gambling other than the rush of it. She knew now it was probably a way of forgetting, of coping, something Olivia herself knew about too well. One glass of wine wasn't enough for the brunette, it was three or four now. It was so easy to get caught up when you're desperately trying to forget something else.

"What're you thinking about?"

Olivia shook her head slightly as Amanda's words pulled her back from her thoughts. The blonde's voice was raspy from her sobbing, and she sniffled, her nose still a little congested.

"Nothing, just drifted off for a second," Olivia said quickly, hoping Amanda wouldn't see through the lie.

"Oh," Amanda whispered, and if she suspected that Olivia wasn't being truthful with her she didn't bring attention to it. They settled back into a comfortable silence for a few more minutes before Olivia felt Amanda tense up in her arms again.

"Olivia I'm sorry, about all of this," Amanda apologised, finally pulling away from Olivia's embrace.

"Don't," Olivia said softly, and Amanda turned to face her. The pain and guilt in the blonde's eyes was almost too much for Olivia to bear.

"Don't push me away. I meant what I said. I'm not gonna let you do this on your own, you don't have to," Olivia said sincerely as she looked at the doubtful woman in from of her, "I know you had an awful time in Atlanta, but it's different here, we're like a family Amanda," Olivia said.

Amanda chewed on her lip and offered the brunette a sad smile, "I was so awful to you, and to Nick, and I've been lyin' to Fin and you guys and I just..."

"I was pretty awful to you when you first transferred," Olivia cut in. "And to Nick. But that didn't stop you all from trying your hardest to find me when I was abducted," Olivia reasoned. She swallowed the small lump that formed in her throat as she thought about her recent ordeal and shook her head to rid herself of the images before she continued, "we all do crappy things sometimes, and we piss each other off but when it comes to the important stuff, we fight hard for our own. That's what a family is and I know it's hard but you have to trust me honey. The guys are out there looking for the bastard that attacked you and I'm here, for whatever you need,"

"Olivia," Amanda whispered, closing her eyes against tears that were threatening to fall. She wanted so badly to trust Olivia, god knows she'd already told the brunette more about herself than anyone else knew.

"If you need to talk, to vent, if you need someone to get angry at or someone just to hold you when nothing else will help I'm here. I know how hard it is to try and do it on your own, I don't want you to have to do that again," Olivia said, her words sure and sincere. The brunette paused for a moment, giving her words a chance to sink in.

Amanda let Olivia's words wash over her. Never in her life had she been more compelled to place her trust in someone, and with a small smile she realised that she had been reaching out to the brunette detective from the start of this whole ordeal. And Olivia had trusted Amanda with her biggest secret.

"I've never done well with leaning on anybody," Amanda admitted, her fingers nervously picking at a loose thread on the hem of her shirt, "I'm probably gonna push you away even if I don't want to."

Amanda hadn't had a proper friend since grade school. She knew what she was like whenever she got too close to someone. She ran away, protecting herself before that person had a chance to hurt her. It was a lesson she'd learnt growing up.

"Then I'll just pull you back harder," Olivia grinned, earning a small smile from the blonde.

"Thank you Olivia," Amanda whispered. She tore her gaze away from Olivia's and glanced around the apartment. Where exactly they went from here she wasn't sure.

"You're welcome Amanda," Olivia smiled warmly, "now I don't know about you but I'm so hungry my stomach is about to eat itself," the brunette exclaimed, her admission cutting through the emotional tension that was thick in the air. It even pulled a tiny laugh from Amanda.

Relieved at Olivia's ability to change the tone of the conversation so seamlessly Amanda realised that she was indeed quite hungry.

"Didn't you order over an hour ago?" Amanda questioned, "they're usually pretty good," she frowned.

"Just a second," Olivia said, walking over to the door. She opened it, bent down then stood back up with a bag of food in her hand.

"What?" Amanda asked, puzzled.

"I stuck the money to the door with a note saying to just leave the food and keep the change," Olivia replied. She reached into the bag and pulled out one of the containers, "it's still hot,"

"In this building you're lucky neither the money or the food went missing," Amanda said, shaking her head at the fact Olivia's plan had worked.

Following Olivia in to the kitchen Amanda was grateful that the brunette took it upon herself to her out the plates and cutlery. She wasn't sure that bending down or stretching up to reach were things she could attempt yet. Amanda spies the bottle of painkillers on the side and fought an urge to take another one. She not long had some but the pain was nagging at her a lot. The sharp intense pain in her ribs wasn't too bad because as long as she didn't move too quickly or breathe too deeply it was bearable. It was the constant dull ache deep in her belly that was causing her the most distress.

"There's soda in the fridge if you want some?" Amanda offered as she took a small helping of sweet and sour chicken and noodles. She was hungry but having not really eaten in a while she didn't want to overestimate how much she could eat. Olivia flashed a brief look of concern at the minuscule portion and Amanda piled on a few more noodles.

Olivia opened the fridge and pulled out two cans of diet coke and walked back into the lounge, balancing the cans in one hand and her plate in the other. Amanda followed, relieved that Olivia hadn't wanted to sit at the hard chairs in the kitchen.

Amanda eased herself into the soft cushions next to Olivia who had already made herself comfortable. Automatically Amanda reached for the remote control, and the TV came to life as she pressed the buttons on it. She flicked through the channels for a bit before settling on another quiz show that Olivia knew she wasn't going to be really watching.

They sat in silence as the ate, the only sounds being the gentle hum of the TV and the occasional scraping of metal on porcelain. Olivia had finished her considerably larger portion when she noticed that Amanda had not even eaten half of hers. She was pushing the food around the plate, sneaking nervous glances at Olivia when she thought the brunette wasn't looking.

"If you're not hungry don't force it," Olivia said softly, hoping to alleviate some of Amanda's tension. The blonde let out a breath and put the plate on to the coffee table but Olivia realised that Amanda hadn't relaxed, not really.

"Look I know we've talked about some pretty big things today," Olivia started, she has begun to guess what was bothering Amanda. The blonde nodded.

"But I don't want you to think it's the only thing you can talk to me about. Unless it's directly pertinent to the current case I'm not going to bring it up at all. Not unless you want to talk about it," Olivia reassured her, "don't be afraid that I'm going to force you to talk about it because I'm not, if you never talk about Atlanta to me again that's okay, if you ring me at 3 in the morning to talk about it that's okay too. You're in control, alright," Olivia flashed Amanda a soothing smile and she saw the blonde visibly relax at her last four words. Olivia knew herself how frightening it was to feel so out of control, she knew she needed to let Amanda know that she was in charge.

"I... thank you Olivia," Amanda said, a slight blush colouring her cheeks.

"It's okay," Olivia smiled, "hey what's your favourite colour?" the brunette asked, once again expertly changing the focus of the conversation.

"Why?" Amanda asked, a vaguely amused look crossing her face.

"Because I want to get to know you detective Rollins is that a crime?" Olivia joked tentatively, hoping Amanda would play along.

"I suppose not," Amanda quipped back, though Olivia noticed how her smile didn't quite reach her eyes, "my favourite colour is green. Like the grass in the spring before the sun scorches it yellow," the blonde revealed, the wistful look on her fave telling Olivia that it was Georgia grass not New York grass she was referring too, "yours?"

"Blue," Olivia replied, "like the ocean. I've always found water calming," she explained.

The pair continued this game for about an hour and in that time Olivia had told Amanda about her high school boyfriends, her favourite vacation destinations, her most embarrassing moment and the musical she had listened to growing up, amongst other things. Olivia had managed to coax smaller tidbits of information from Amanda, steering well clear of asking her about her childhood when she saw how Amanda reaction to an innocent question about what her house looked like as a kid.

Olivia didn't push, instead kept the questions superficial and fun, she knew and a had already shared a lot with her today and the whole point of the exercise was to relax the blonde, not panic her. The brunette detective had learned that Amanda was a terrible cook and that's why she hadn't bothered to replace her oven. Olivia had watched with a happy heart as Amanda had talked about Frannie, had told Olivia how she had visited a shelter one day not long after she'd moved to New York and knew she wasn't leaving without the dog. Olivia had noticed signs of Amanda's tiredness a while before her eyes began to flutter closed. The brunette instinctively knew Amanda was afraid of having another nightmare, so she had promised the younger woman that she would be there when she woke up.

With Amanda sleeping soundly, Olivia tucked the couch throw around her and tenderly ran her hand through soft blonde hair. She noticed how even in her sleep Amanda's features were not relaxed, and Olivia wished she could take her pain away, whether it was mental or physical pain the blonde was in.

Olivia quietly cleared the plates away before she dug in her purse to find her phone. She cursed silently as she realised it had run out of battery. She knew she should really phone Brian and give him a better explanation that she had done when she'd kicked him out of bed at 3:30 the previous morning. She glanced at her watch. It was only 6:30pm. She could put off calling Brian for another hour or so, she was thinking of taking another nap, and the sofa was so comfortable.

As Olivia curled up on the opposite side of the couch to Amanda a soft knock on the door caught her attention. She jumped up automatically and grabbed her gun. Glancing back over to Amanda she saw that she was still sleeping. It probably wasn't anything to worry about but Amanda hadn't mentioned expecting any visitors and it was better to be safe than sorry.

Olivia lowered her gun as soon as she looked through the peephole. She placed the weapon down on a cabinet and opened the door as quietly as she could. Leaving the latch on, Olivia walked out into the hall, forcing Fin to go with her.

"What are doing here?" Olivia asked, her annoyance evident even in her hushed tone.

"Cap didn't ring you?" Fin asked, a puzzled look on his face.

Olivia shook her head, "my phone died," she explained, her voice softer, "is there a break in the case?"

"Sort of, we ID'd the guy," Fin started, before she was but off by an excited Olivia.

"Have you made an arrest?"

Fin blew out a frustrated breath, "Liv this guy is one of New Yorks richest. DA's office isn't gonna touch it until we're sure Amanda's story is airtight," he explained, and Olivia could see the distress it cause the man to show any kind of doubt in his partner.

"Well that's..." Olivia sighed. It wouldn't do any good to her angry. They had to do this the right way, "let me talk to her Fin it's going to be better coming from me," Olivia reasoned.

Conflict played across Fin's face. He knew rationally that it was probably a better idea for Olivia to talk work Amanda, as she'd taken the original statement but his heart was telling him that he needed to go and check on his partner, even for 5 minutes.

"Okay you're right," he relented, "Liv can I see her, just for a few minutes?" he asked.

"She's asleep Fin I don't know if it's a good idea," Olivia said. Her heart went out to him, she could see how much it was affecting him, but at the same time she had made Amanda a promise.

"Please Liv," Fin said desperately.

Olivia sighed, "let me go and ask her. Wait here for a minute," she told him, turning once to make sure he stayed in the hall, "if she says no then you can't I'm sorry," Olivia explained, closing the door softly, leaving Fin momentarily stranded in the hallway.

"Amanda," Olivia said as she knelt by the couch, "Amanda can you wake up for me?" she said a little louder.

Amanda whimpered at the noise and Olivia resigned herself to the fact that the blonde was going to wake in a panic whatever she did. "You've got a visitor," Olivia kept speaking, hoping it would rouse Amanda from her slumber. She gently shook the blonde's shoulder and this was the action that causes Amanda's eyes to fly open and violent shivers to take over her body.

"It's okay Amanda, it's just me, it's Olivia. I had to wake you sweetheart I'm sorry," Olivia apologised as Amanda looked around the room in a panic.

"You want a glass of water?" Olivia asked as Amanda got her shivering under control.

"No I'm okay," Amanda replied in a shaky voice.

Olivia paused, wondering how best to pose the question to the shaken woman, ultimately deciding it would be better to just say it how it was.

"Fin's outside, he wants to see you," Olivia informed her in a soft voice, "but if you don't want to I'll send him home. It's your choice alright," Olivia said, making sure Amanda knew she had options.

Amanda's heart dropped a she listened to Olivia. She couldn't believe Fin was here. How could she face him after she flat out lied to him? Would he even still want her as a partner? He was the best partner Amanda had ever had. No, he couldn't see her like this.

"He's really worried about you," Olivia told her honestly.

"I..." Amanda sighed and shook her head, she was about to refuse when she realised she was going to have to face the guys sooner or later. Maybe it would be easier to do it one at a time. All she had to do was put on a brave face and tell Fin she was doing okay, really and then he'd leave her alone and go back to the case.

"Okay but can you stay?"she asked in a tiny voice.

"Are you sure?" Olivia asked gently, she could see that Amanda was conflicted.

"No... yeah. It's o-okay," Amanda stammered.

"Alright," Olivia said, and she gave Amanda's shoulder a reassuring squeeze before she went to open the door.

Amanda kept her eyes on the floor and she could vaguely hear some hushed whispers before the door closed again. She didn't look up but Amanda knew when Fin had sat down in the armchair.

"Hey blondie," he said, and Amanda was almost brought to tears at his use of a nickname he reserved only to use to bring a smile to her face after a particularly rough day. His voice was the softest Amanda had ever heard it be but still still couldn't bring herself to look at her partner.

"How you doing baby girl?" he asked softly.

* * *

_thanks for reading :)_


	12. Chapter 12

_Hey guys. Thank you so so much for the really great reviews. The honestly spur me on the write the longer chapters. I'm glad you liked chapter 11 :) it's super helpful when you guys tell me what you like/wanna see more of or not see so much of as then i get a better idea of what to write :) once again thank you SO much for your comments, they're so so appreciated you don't even know. So on with chapter 12!_

* * *

"How you doing baby girl?" Fin asked softly. He took in the appearance of the woman in front of him. On one hand he was just relieved to actually _see_ Amanda, to see her up and talking. But the Amanda sitting on the couch wasn't the Amanda he knew. His partner was a shadow of her former self, hugging her arms protectively around herself and she wouldn't even look at him. If anything, he was now even angrier than he was before, but he knew he had to control himself.

"I'm alright," Amanda replied, swallowing the thick lump in her throat. It was a blatant lie. One that she knew her partner would see through in five seconds flat. Out of the corner of her eye Amanda saw Fin shoot a look to Olivia, who was still standing by the door. The brunette shook her head softly and Fin turned his attention back to his partner.

"How you _feelin'_ Manda?" he asked, hoping a more direct question would coax a more honest answer from her.

Amanda still couldn't look up and meet Fin's eyes. How could she tell him what she was truly feeling? How could she tell him that she was feeling ashamed, guilty, dirty, weak, a failure? She was supposed to be his partner, she knew he must already know about the gambling and still he'd come to check on her, she didn't need to add more to the list of things she'd ruined. No, she couldn't tell him any of what she was feeling.

"Sore," she replied, in the hope that Fin would shy away from asking her about her physical injuries. She winced briefly as she realised he'd probably seen the photos the nurse had taken at the hospital. Maybe he was just here out of pity, why would he trust her as his partner after she lied, after she got herself into a bad situation and couldn't even fight her way out of it?

Fin narrowed his eyes at the blonde; he could tell she was deliberately giving vague answers. She'd never been able to lie to him well, that's why he'd been so surprised when Olivia had revealed she'd been at a casino.

"Rollins look at me," he said, calling her by her last time to grab her attention but still keeping his tone soft, "look at me," he repeated. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Olivia slip into the kitchen and soon smelt fresh coffee wafting out from the open door. He sighed as she still refused to pull her gaze up from the floor.

"Please talk to me Amanda, you're my partner, I've got your back. What can I do to help?" Fin wasn't a man who begged, ever, but he threw away his pride as he tried to get through to the broken woman in front of him.

"You still wanna be my partner?" Amanda asked in a tiny voice. She sounded so unsure and apprehensive.

"Of course I do… Amanda, why would you ask me that?" Fin asked incredulously.

"I know you've got my back Fin, I trust _you_ with my life, but now, after this, do you trust me with yours?" Amanda questioned.

"Absolutely," Fin answered without hesitation and when Amanda shook her head at his affirmation he finally realised what was going through her head.

"I couldn't stop him," Amanda admitted sadly, seemingly shrinking even back further into the sofa.

"I've read the report Amanda, you fought back, hard. This guy was twice your size, you didn't have your gun, he had an unfair advantage. This _wasn't _your fault."

"But I was in the casino, if I hadn't…," Amanda whispered, furiously blinking back tears. She didn't want to cry again, not in front of Fin.

"You can't start thinking about the what if's baby it'll eat you alive. Yeah you slipped up, you made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes, me included. But even though you were in that casino, you didn't make this happen. This was _his _crappy choice," Fin reasoned, "please look at me."

Amanda took a shaky breath and the once she was finally sure she would be able to keep her tears at bay she looked up into the eyes of her partner. Fin's stomach flipped when he saw the absolute devastation written across Amanda's face. He wanted nothing more than to envelope her in his arms and swear that he'd never let anyone hurt her again but her body language was warning him away from any kind of contact. Still he had her full attention now and that was enough.

"I know it feels like everything's changed, but nothing's changed between you and me. Not the stuff the matters. I don't think any less of you because of what's happened, Manda I think you're damn brave," Fin said. He could see that Amanda was about to disagree with him so he continued to speak before she had a chance to, "you know how hard this process is but you're still going through with it. That's how I know you're still that tough as old boots, stubborn as a mule Amanda Rollins, even if you don't feel like that right now. It's okay not to feel like that. But I want you to know that I'm so proud of you. I'm proud to call you my partner," clearing his throat, Fin was surprised to feel tears prickling at his eyes as Amanda lost her battle with her own tears. He'd never said it out loud, but he regarded Amanda almost as a little sister. It killed him that he wasn't able to protect Amanda from the attack but he could try his hardest to help her get through it.

* * *

Olivia had poked her head out of the kitchen door and watched some of the exchange between the two. She couldn't quite hear what Fin was saying, but he'd finally gotten Amanda to look at him, and then said something that had reduced the blonde to tears. Olivia had watched Fin awkwardly try and decide how best to comfort Amanda, first of all moving to get up, presumably to sit next to her, but ultimately he'd decided to just reach out and lay his hand on her knee. He was speaking softly, in a soothing tone that Olivia sometimes even now was surprised that he had the ability to produce. She knew she had been right to let Fin in, despite her initial reservations. He seemed a lot more relaxed than when she'd answered the door to him, and Amanda tears sounded more like tears of relief rather than tears of distress. Olivia decided to leave them to their moment and went back into the kitchen to sip her now lukewarm coffee.

* * *

"Liv," Fin said quietly as he made his way into the kitchen, "are you staying with Amanda tonight?"

"Yeah I was going to, she didn't sleep very well today and I don't really want to leave her on her own. I'm gonna get Brian to drop off some clothes," Olivia replied, "do you want some coffee?" she asked, gesturing to the pot.

"Nah I'm alright thanks. Look, why don't you go home for an hour or so, get a change of clothes. I'll sit with her," Fin offered.

"Nice offer Fin but I need to go over her statement with her," Olivia said, shaking her head, "that's why Cap sent you over here in the first place,"

"It's alright she said she'll go over it with me," Fin explained and Olivia raised her eyebrow questioningly.

"How'd she take it?" Olivia asked.

"Well I sort of just told her we needed to go over it so the timeline was solid, and to see if she'd remembered anything else, she seemed okay with it," Fin said.

Olivia chewed on her lip for a moment while she contemplated what Fin had told her. It _would_ be nice to go home and have a shower, maybe see Brian and give him more of an explanation that she'd been able to on the phone. Olivia's mind wandered back to Amanda and she decided that she would double check with the blonde first, and then decide what she was going to do.

"I'm just going to double check," Olivia said, "just in case," she added defensively as she walked into the living room.

As Olivia sat down on the couch next to her, Amanda spoke before the brunette had a chance to, "Fin needs to go through some stuff with me so you can bail, go see Brian," Amanda said with a weak smile.

"Are you sure?" Olivia checked and Amanda nodded.

"And y-you don't have to come back, you've already done so much Olivia, I don't wanna…"

"I'll be back in about an hour and a half," Olivia smiled, "No 'but's, it's my choice," she said, her voice gentle but firm and she saw Amanda visibly relax as she affirmed she would be coming back, "I'll see you in a little while okay," Olivia smiled, and Amanda smiled back, this one a little more genuine.

As Fin saw Olivia out she turned and stopped for a moment, "don't push her too hard, I know you won't mean to but I did last night and she panicked," Olivia warned, "I'll be back in an hour and a half, any problems, call my cell, I'll charge it as soon as I get in the car,"

"Don't worry Liv, we'll be alright," Fin reassured the brunette. As Olivia made her way back down to her car she was still a little apprehensive. It wasn't that long ago that Amanda had even tolerated talking to Olivia herself about what had happened, but she trusted Fin to do the right thing, and Amanda herself had agreed. Olivia worried that in some part Amanda had agreed purely to let her go home for a while, but whatever the reason, there was no one Olivia trusted more to look after Amanda than her partner.

* * *

Right on time Olivia arrived back at Amanda's apartment door. She felt so much better for having taken a shower and changed. Brian's hadn't been home, but that wasn't an unusual occurrence. Olivia had left him a long note explaining that she might be gone for a couple more days but that she would have her phone. She knocked softly on the door and her heart dropped when a grim faced Fin opened the door.

"What happened?" Olivia immediately questioned.

"She figured it out pretty quickly, why we had to go over stuff, but she was doing fine, then she just freaked out. She's locked herself in the bathroom and I've been talking to her but she won't come out," Fin looked incredibly guilty and worried, and Olivia could tell that he hadn't deliberately done anything to provoke the reaction.

"It's not your fault," she reassured him, "this happened when I took her statement. Did you get enough to work with?" Olivia asked.

"Yeah just about," Fin replied, "look I'm just gonna go, work this up and see what Amaro got from the surveillance tapes,"

"Don't beat yourself up," Olivia said, "you know how unpredictable victims are." The brunette stumbled over the word victim. Never had she thought she would have to use it to describe Amanda. It felt so wrong.

"Look after Liv, I'll let myself out," Fin said as he walked towards the door.

Olivia set her bag down on the couch before she walked up the corridor into Amanda's bedroom and sat down outside the bathroom door. She couldn't hear any tell-tale signs of a panic attack and Olivia began to worry that Amanda had passed out.

"Amanda," she called, knocking urgently on the door, "it's just Olivia, can you open the door?"

Olivia breathed a sigh of relief as she heard a shuffling and a slight groan. The lock clicked and Amanda let the door swing inward. She was sat next to the door frame huddles up against the bathtub and Olivia moved just slightly to sit in the door frame so she didn't crowd the blonde.

"You okay?" Olivia asked, and she winced at the question. Of course Amanda wasn't okay; she'd locked herself in the bathroom.

"It was just too much," Amanda sighed, "we'd been going over and over it, and I know it has to be airtight but I couldn't do it anymore,"

Olivia realised that Fin must have pushed Amanda a bit harder than he probably should have, despite her warning. She knew he had a burning desire to catch Amanda's attacker and that had probably clouded his judgement.

"I'm sorry that you had to go through it all again honey,"

"It won't be the last time," Amanda said sadly.

"No it won't," Olivia sighed sadly, "but hopefully you'll have had more than 4 hours sleep,"

As if on cue, Amanda let out a large yawn, wincing and holding her ribs. "You wanna try and sleep?" Olivia asked as Amanda yawned a second time.

"Yeah I guess," Amanda replied. Despite Olivia jumping up first and offering her a hand to help her up, Amanda chose instead to steady herself using the bathtub, reclaiming just a small piece of dignity at her tiny victory.

"Why don't you get ready for bed and I'll bring you in some more painkillers," Olivia offered.

"Thanks," Amanda replied, nodding, "Liv," she called just as the brunette was exiting the room, "just one pill okay,"

Olivia frowned. Amanda hadn't even been out of the hospital for 24 hours, the recommended dose was two every four hours for the first 4 days at least. Seeing the look on Olivia's face, Amanda quickly explained herself.

"I don't wanna get used to them," she said, hoping that Olivia would just accept the vague explanation. Amanda was sure but now that it was no secret she had an addictive personality but she didn't want to say it out loud if she could help it. Olivia didn't look convinced but she agreed anyway.

More than slightly hindered by the pain of her injuries, Amanda slowly got ready for bed, dressing in her most comfortable pair of long flannel pajamas. They covered up almost all of her injuries so she didn't have to chance looking at them. After she'd brushed her teeth Amanda sat awkwardly on the bed and tried to quell her rising panic.

When Olivia came back with a glass of water and just one of the painkillers Amanda noticed that she too had changed into her sleepwear, a scruffy old academy t shirt and plaid pajama pants.

"Here you go," Olivia said kindly, handing the glass and pill to Amanda, "I've locked the door, the chains on, and I'll be right outside," the brunette assured her. She could tell that Amanda was a bit panicky and wanted to reassure her as much as possible.

"You don't have to sleep on the couch," Amanda said quickly. She wasn't worried about the front door; she'd had 2 extra locks fitted after Kim had cleared her out. The fire escape by her bedroom window was currently the source of her panic, "the beds plenty big, I mean if you want, the couch isn't very long," Amanda was babbling, but in the midst of the jumble of words Olivia caught her glancing nervously at the bedroom window. Seeing the fire escape, Olivia realised why Amanda was so anxious.

"I can sleep just about anywhere but I never say no to a real bed," Olivia smiled, "I'm just gonna brush my teeth alright,"

When Olivia emerged from the bathroom a few minutes later Amanda was already in the bed, but sitting up against the headboard.

"Olivia I'm sorry, I know it's stupid," Amanda apologised, a slight blush colouring her cheeks.

"'It's not stupid," Olivia said shaking her head, "you don't have to apologise to me Amanda, and don't be afraid to ask if you need help. I didn't, not for a while and I regret that,"

"It's just so… I'm not used to it," Amanda said.

"It's okay I'm still here anyway," Olivia reassured her as she got into the opposite side of the bed and snuggled up under the covers. She was surprised as Amanda reached and turned off the lamp, shrouding the room in darkness.

"I can't even hope to fall asleep with a light on, it'll be worse than with it off," Amanda explained, sensing Olivia's shock.

Amanda shuffled herself down into the bed slowly, groaning as the action irritated her injuries. She was beginning to regret only taking one pain pill but she decided to just try and grit her teeth and bear it. Despite the darkness of the room, Olivia could sense how tense Amanda was. Although she'd shuffled down and was lying flat she hadn't moved from that position. After leaving it for a good 15 minutes, Olivia realised that neither of them were going to get any sleep if they continued on like that. Amanda's breathing had become more erratic and Olivia knew she was starting to panic.

"Amanda," she said softly.

"Hmm," Amanda replied, trying her hardest to make it seem like she was okay.

"Can you turn towards me?"

With a little bit of coaxing Amanda turned in the bed so she was facing the brunette detective. There was still enough space between them that Amanda wouldn't feel crowed but Olivia was able to reach and hold on to Amanda's right hand.

"You're okay," Olivia soothed, running her thumb comfortingly over the back of Amanda's hand, "You're okay honey, just and try steady your breathing down."

Amanda found it surprisingly easy to calm herself down as she listened to Olivia voice. That calm, soothing voice that she had hated so much in the hospital was a great source of comfort to her now. She couldn't help but feel a bit guilty, she had absolutely no idea how she was going to pay Olivia back for all that she was doing.

"You're safe, I'm not gonna let anyone hurt you. I'm right here." Olivia continued talking to Amanda until her breathing evened out and she eventually went to sleep. Her hand still in Amanda's, Olivia soon succumbed to her own tiredness, falling into a light but dreamless sleep.

* * *

Olivia woke with a start. Momentarily disorientated she couldn't pinpoint the reason for her awakening. And then she heard it. It wasn't the coherent ramblings of Amanda's earlier nightmare, but the whimpers and sobs let Olivia know that it was about as far from a good dream as a person could get. Olivia sat up, first of all laying a hand gently on Amanda's shoulder. The blonde flinched away from the touch violently, flinging her arm out in Olivia's general direction. Amanda hit out again, this time narrowly missing Olivia's nose. Realising that she needed to stop Amanda from punching her or hurting herself, Olivia climbed out of the bed and walked around to the other side. She sat on the edge, and dodging another flimsy punch she pulled Amanda up into a sitting position and circled her arms around the blonde loosely, effectively pinning her arms to her sides.

"Amanda, you need to wake up, it's not real. You're safe honey, wake up," Olivia spoke loudly but didn't shout as she tried to rouse the younger woman from her fitful slumber. Amanda struggled in Olivia's arms but she kept her loose hold on her.

"Amanda, Amanda," Olivia tried gently shaking her, but she was wary of hurting Amanda's ribs, which she was pretty sure would already be quite sore when the blonde finally woke up.

"Amanda come on honey, wake up, it's okay, it's okay," she soothed. Finally she felt Amanda tense in her arms and she knew the blonde had woken up. She struggled momentarily against the arms encircling her before she came to her senses and realised who was holding her.

"Liv?" Amanda croaked, and she reached and grabbed two fistfuls of Olivia's t shirt, desperate to ground herself back in reality.

"It's me, it's Olivia, I've got you sweetheart, it's okay," Olivia comforted as she held the trembling woman in her arms.

"He was here," Amanda choked out, "he got in, h-he…"

"Sssh, he's not here, I promise you, you're safe. It was just a dream. Sssh," Olivia soothed, adjusting her arms so she was holding Amanda just a little bit closer.

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_Thank you so much for reading :D Please review :)_


	13. Chapter 13

_Hi all, sorry for the wait in this chapter. I have such a stressful job and sometimes it doesn't leave me too much time to write :( but here is chapter 13. Thank you so so much for the reviews, especially those of you who review regularly, I am so grateful for your support. I can't remember off the top of my head so I'm sorry if I forget but thank you so much to Ally, Callie, Alex, Thalia, Belle, Claire, Dumbledore and all the guest reviewers, it really means a lot. Now I know a number of you have said you like the current pace, and I'm still keeping it quite slow. As well as the case I also want to focus on Amanda's recovery process and this doesn't happen over night. I'm also drawing on some things that I have personal experience with so I hope that I do this story justice and handle it sensitively. Anyway, on with the next chapter, I hope you continue to enjoy this story :) _

**TW: description of rape**

* * *

"I promise you, it's just you and me here, okay," Olivia soothed, keeping a firm grip on the trembling woman in her arms, "you're safe, it was just a dream,"

The brunette detective continued to hold Amanda until she stopped shaking, until she unburied her face from the safety of Olivia's shoulder.

"I'm so sorry," Amanda mumbled, "I didn't mean to wake you." She shifts slightly, pulling away from Olivia's embrace. Olivia releases her with a sigh. She doesn't want Amanda to shut down again.

"I'm no stranger to nightmares Amanda, you don't have to apologise," Olivia reassured her, lifting Amanda's chin gently so the blonde was looking at her. There was enough pushing through the crack in the curtains light from the streetlamps for Olivia to be able to make out Amanda's features, and she could see the panic slowly fade from the blonde's eyes.

"I'm still sorry," Amanda repeated, and Olivia knew better than to pick an argument with her.

"It's only 2.30," Olivia said as she glanced at the clock on the bedside table, "do you think you can get back to sleep?"

Amanda hesitated for a minute before she stiffly nodded her head, "y-yeah, sure," she said uncertainly.

Olivia frowned. She knew Amanda would probably a bit apprehensive to try sleeping again after such an intense nightmare but she had a feeling that something else was bothering the blonde.

"Amanda what's wrong? Talk to me," Olivia said softly, resting her hand reassuringly on Amanda's shoulder.

"Nothin', I'm okay," Amanda insisted, but as she moved to settle back down in the bed, Olivia saw how tense the other woman was and how she grimaced with the movement.

"You're in pain," Olivia stated matter of factly. She remembered that Amanda hadn't had her full dose of painkillers and she wasn't surprised that she was in pain.

"Just a little, I'll be okay," Amanda said.

Olivia shook her head, "I'm going to get you some more painkillers, and I don't want you to argue with me," Olivia said, her voice firm but still gentle, "you've been out of the hospital less than 24 hours, don't be in more pain than you have to be,"

Without giving Amanda time to argue with her, Olivia got up and made her way into the kitchen to retrieve the painkillers. Knowing she was pushing it by asking Amanda to take any at all, Olivia settled on half the dose again and got a glass of water. She resolved to talk to Amanda in the morning about her unwillingness to take her medication; right now the main priority was that the blonde got as much sleep as she could.

When Olivia returned with the pill, Amanda was grateful that she'd only brought one. She knew she should be taking the proper dose but she was so worried about becoming dependant on them she was finding being in pain preferable to tempting that particular demon of hers. Regardless of this though, as she washed the pill down with the cool water Olivia handed her she couldn't help but feel relieved. The pain really had gotten to the point where it was so bad it would have kept her awake.

"Thanks," Amanda mumbled, handing the glass back to Olivia.

Olivia straightened the bedcovers around Amanda's feet and then climbed back into her side of the bed. Amanda got herself as comfortable as she could considering the pain she was in, pulling the covers all the way to her chin as if the blankets offered her another layer of protection.

"You okay?" Olivia asked sleepily. Truth be told the brunette was struggling to keep her eyes open, but she knew she couldn't go to sleep until Amanda was settled.

"Yeah," Amanda said unconvincingly, "Olivia… could… uh," she stumbled over her words. Amanda found herself missing the comfort of Olivia's hand on hers. She had underestimated how much the simple gesture had helped her to fall asleep earlier that evening, and know she didn't know how to ask Olivia to do it again without making herself sound even weaker than she already felt.

By some sort of miracle, Olivia realised what Amanda was asking, and she slid her hand across the bed, bridging the gap between her and the blonde and held Amanda's hand loosely. Amanda let out a shaky breath, "Liv," she said quietly.

Olivia could tell by the tone of her voice that Amanda was going to thank her, or apologise. _Again._ She wished that the blonde would just allow herself to be comforted without feeling that she should be sorry or feel indebted for but Olivia herself knew how hard it was to ask for and then accept the help when you're so used to coping on your own.

"It's okay," Olivia whispered, before Amanda had a chance to speak, "sleep now."

* * *

_Amanda could barely breathe for the weight that was pressing on top of her. She screwed her eyes shut as she tried to will herself away from this place. Her wrists were pinned uncomfortably above her head, and she knew better than to make a sound because the last time she'd tried to shout he'd covered her mouth with his own, muffling her cries and depriving her of air until she was certain she was going pass out. She'd even given up kicking her legs and struggling against the iron grip of his hand. It was futile, he was too big, too strong and Amanda didn't have a chance of winning._

_She tried to push the thought of how exposed she was, with the top of her dress ripped open and the bottom pushed up over her hips. He hadn't bothered pulling her underwear all the way down and she could feel them caught around her knees. But no matter how much she tried she couldn't ignore the rough intrusion of his fingers, too many at once ._

_"Not quite ready yet are you Mandy?" he sneered as he picked up the pace. Amanda let out a pained whimper as he bit the sensitive flesh of her neck, and she knew it would leave a mark._

_"Don't worry, we can fix that," he said flippantly, the tone of his voice completely betraying the vileness of what he was currently doing._

_Peter changed his tactics, slowing down, his actions more deliberate. Amanda took relief in the brief respite from the pain before a familiar sense of pressure began to build in her lower belly. Her eyes snapped open, her face a mask of terror and confusion as Peter grinned down at her._

_"See, you want this really Mandy, listen to your body, you want this,"_

_"N-no," Amanda choked out, shaking her head violently, "stop, please, stop,"_

_He laughed cruelly as she let out an involuntary gasp, her body shuddering. As much as she tried, she couldn't stop what was happening. She realised her body was going to betray her and she felt sick to her stomach._

_"Just let it happen," he whispered in her ear, "you know you want it,"_

_"No,"_

"No, no," Amanda yelped, waking with a start. Her heart was hammering in her chest and she could feel the sweat rolling down her back.

Olivia had woken up a second after Amanda had and she sat up and reached over to the blonde, trying to reassure her.

"Amanda you're okay," she soothed, but Amanda pulled away from her sharply, jumping from the bed with greater speed than someone with her injuries should be able to.

"Don't," Amanda warned, "just don't touch me, please,"

Alarmed at Amanda's behaviour, Olivia fumbled for the switch on the lamp and turned it on. As the soft light bathed the room she took in the sight of Amanda who was standing at the foot of the bed, her hair wild and her cheeks flushed pink.

"Calm down," Olivia said softly, "It's alright," she sat up, prepared to approach the blonde but Amanda held her arms out in front of her, warning her away.

"I-I need a shower, please Olivia just go back to sleep," Amanda pleaded as she strode past Olivia and into the bathroom, leaving the stunned brunette to contemplate what had just happened. It was obvious that Amanda had had a nightmare but instead of needing the comfort and reassurance like earlier the blonde had refused her help entirely. Olivia knew better than to disturb Amanda now, she was obviously choosing to deal with this in her own way, but there was no way the brunette was going to be able to go back to sleep until Amanda had emerged from the bathroom. Looking at the clock she saw it was 6.45am and she decided it would just be better for her to get up, get dressed and wait in the living room in case Amanda wanted some privacy when she came out of the bathroom. Sighing, Olivia threw back the covers and walked sleepily into the kitchen in search of some coffee.

* * *

She'd seen the confusion in Olivia's eyes and she felt guilty for just storming out but Amanda hadn't had a choice. She needed a cold shower, and she didn't want to explain to Olivia why. One of her brains sickest tricks was to replay Peter's attack down to the smallest detail. How was she supposed to tell Olivia that she'd woken up aroused from a nightmare about her rape? It was one thing for it to happen at the time, but Amanda knew there must be something wrong with her for it to happen in her dreams. It had only happened a handful of times, but every time it left her feeling disgusted with herself, more tainted than before. The cruellest thing was that Amanda hadn't been able to reach orgasm either by herself or with the one sexual partner she'd had since she'd moved to New York. The closest she had come was when she'd had that particular nightmare. She shook her head, ignoring the throbbing between her legs as she switched on the shower, turning the dial to the coldest setting.

Despite bracing herself she couldn't help but yelp as she stepped into the icy water. It was so cold it took her breath away, forcing her lungs to contract sharply and painfully. She welcomed it though, it was an effective distraction from other things. Amanda didn't move, she just stood under the frigid spray, letting the water rain down on her, praying with futile hope that somehow it would wash her clean.

* * *

After two cups of coffee Olivia had gotten dressed, done last night's washing up and watched the early morning news report. It had been over an hour since Amanda had locked herself in the bathroom and although Olivia wanted to respect Amanda's need for privacy she couldn't help but feel worried for her wellbeing. Preparing herself for a rejection, Olivia made her way to Amanda's bedroom. She knocked twice but got no answer. As she pushed the door open she could see the bathroom door was still closed and she assumed that Amanda was still inside.

"Amanda," she called as she knocked softly on the bathroom door, "are you okay in there?"

No answer. Olivia frowned before trying again, "Amanda I just need you to let me know you're alright then I'll leave you alone." Still Olivia was met with silence and as she pressed her ear to the door she realised that the shower wasn't running and she could hear no movement at all.

"Amanda," Olivia called, tentatively turning the door knob. The fact that Amanda hadn't locked it managed to quell some of Olivia's panic slightly, "I'm coming in okay?"

Not taking silence for an answer anymore Olivia pushed the door open and the scene she saw before her both panicked her and broke her heart. Amanda was wrapped in a huge towel and sitting on the edge of the bathtub. The younger woman was shaking so violently that Olivia didn't know how she was staying upright. Olivia was shocked at the colour of her skin, it wasn't milky pale like usual, it was white pale, too pale. The brunettes first thought was that Amanda was sick, but as she stepped closer to her she noticed her blue tinged lips and the goose bumps on her skin.

"Hey," Olivia said softly, kneeling down just in front of Amanda. The blonde hadn't acknowledged her presence in the room and she kept her movements slow so as not to suddenly startle her.

"It's Olivia," she said a bit louder, hoping to catch Amanda's attention.

Amanda looked up at the sound but she didn't look at Olivia, instead she seemed to look right through her, her eyes weren't focused on anything in particular. Olivia wasn't sure if she was caught in a flashback or was just in extreme distress and she knew she had to tread carefully.

"I'm gonna hold your hand okay, I'm not going to hurt you," Olivia explained as she cautiously reached out to take Amanda's hand in her own. Amanda didn't even acknowledge the action but the brunette gasped at just how cold Amanda's skin was, she'd felt warmer corpses.

"Honey you're freezing," Olivia exclaimed, and she immediately pulled another towel from the rack, standing to drape it around Amanda's shoulders, "you need to get warm," she said and when Amanda still didn't answer her, Olivia pondered just how she was going to get the blonde to cooperate with her when she was so shut down like this.

"Amanda can you look at me please," Olivia said authoritatively. As she spoke she cupped Amanda's face in her hands, hoping that it would make the blonde notice her.

"You need to get up and out of this bathroom and into some warm clothes, do you understand me?" Olivia cringed at how patronising she currently sounded, but she didn't know what else to do, short of carrying Amanda out of the bathroom herself, and she had no idea if the blonde would tolerate that.

"I know you're in there somewhere," Olivia said, smoothing back a strand of wet hair that had fallen over Amanda's face, and finally she saw a flicker of recognition in her blue eyes, "hey," Olivia whispered as Amanda's gaze focused on her at last.

"C-cold," Amanda stuttered.

"I know sweetheart, come on let's get you out of here," Olivia suggested. Relief flooded through the brunette as Amanda cooperated with her to stand up and together they walked out of the bathroom. Olivia had had a lot of experience dealing with many different reactions to trauma but when people completely shut down, like Amanda just had, it was scary as hell.

Amanda sat wordlessly down on the bed and Olivia was shocked at how passive the blonde was. It was a complete one eighty from her previous continuous insistences that she was fine, that she was alright. Putting her concern aside for a moment, Olivia focused her attention on finding Amanda something warm to wear , her current priority was making sure she didn't get hypothermic. It felt a bit intrusive to be going through Amanda's closet but she had made no attempt to find her own clothes or any comment about hat Olivia was doing. Settling on a thick zip up hoody and sweat pants she took then over to where Amanda was sat, still in the same position.

"You need to get dressed," Olivia said gently but Amanda made no attempt to move. She was still shivering, and Olivia knew she needed to get out of the damp towel and into dry clothes sooner, rather than later. She also knew that Amanda would be deeply embarrassed later if Olivia had to dress her, but it was starting to look like that was exactly what Olivia was going to have to do.

"Okay," Olivia said, picking up the jacket, "let's start with this shall we,"

Olivia pulled one sleeve over Amanda's limp arm and pulled it round and did the same with her other arm. Amanda just sat there, the same blank look on her face. It unnerved Olivia, worried her but she stayed focused on the task in hand. Olivia zipped the jacket up before tugging at the towel which fell to Amanda's waist. Olivia used the spare towel to take some of the excess water off of Amanda's still soaking wet hair. Half way through drying Amanda's hair Olivia was stopped as a pale, cold hand covered her own.

"Liv," Amanda whispered hoarsely.

"Hi," Olivia pulled back and gave a small sigh of relief and smiled at the blonde, "you're back," she said softly.

"I'm broken," Amanda said simply, casting her gaze down into her lap.

"Huh?" Olivia replied, confused at Amanda's remark.

Amanda looked up again, meeting Olivia's eyes with a look of complete and utter defeat on her face, "Liv I'm broken." She repeated.

* * *

_Please leave a review telling me what you think (also please tell me if I'm slowing up on the pace TOO much). I know Amanda's reaction can seem a little extreme but this kind of stress can take it out of people a lot and cause them to act differently than what they're used to. I promise you'll have feisty Amanda back soon, but first she needs to hit rock bottom before she can really begin to heal. Thanks for reading!_


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